At least I'm skinny

Newest Obsession

2012-02-11T11:43:00.002-05:00

I haven't really been doing anything worth writing about lately. I've been painting more furniture and today is going to result in return trip to Home Depot to buy some paint for my bedroom walls. What an amazing life I lead.

Oh, also classified as "very boring news," I've been reading a lot of books and I just got three more yesterday. Did you know the library closes at 6 on Fridays? Neither did I. I barely got in and out with my books. I guess librarians simply have cooler lives than I do. I'll probably do a post on what I've been reading and how I felt about them. I like getting book ideas.

Reed and I have become obsessed with Lana Del Rey and have been listening nonstop. Dare I compare our obsession with her to our love for Fiona Apple? Only time will tell.

I'll probably listen to her while I'm painting. I'm listening right now. Buy here.

Home projects

2012-02-01T08:49:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I get these ideas in my head and I want them done immediately. Two weekends ago, I found myself in this predicament.

See, I had this piece of furniture, a credenza type thing, that I picked up off the side of the road when an office furniture place shut down. It was free, I didn't steal it. I could see a lot of potential in this sucker and wanted it for my office. At the time it was boring brown wood color but I knew I wanted to paint it black and make it super amazing.

Of course, I can't find any of the before shots I have of it. I might still have one on my small camera but that is out in the car at the moment and I have no motivation to go get it. Anyway. Picture ugly brown and you've got it.

After a year of this thing sitting in the den taking up space I finally got around to working on it. I painted and primed and sealed it using this tutorial. It was the one I liked the best.

Once I finished I was ready to put this thing upstairs and in the office. The only problem with this idea was that this credenza thing is crazy heavy. A friend from work offered to help me move it upstairs but he couldn't do it until Monday. This was Sunday and I wanted it upstairs right then. So, I decided I would move it myself. My strategy was to push it up the stairs. It worked pretty well until I hit some snags.

Snag One:

This is about where I started to cry. I had pushed it halfway up the steps and got it stuck right there. It wasn't going over the lip of one of the stair steps and I was getting frustrated. After a brief breakdown and then a pep talk (out loud to myself) I snapped a picture to document the moment and then texted it to Reed. Then I got back to business and pushed this beast up the steps.

Snag Two:

The cat thoroughly enjoyed the process and each time it got stuck he proceeded to crawl around on it until I shoo'd him off. At this point my parents called and asked me why I was so out of breath. I, of course, told them what I was doing and they decided to come to my house and help me. I managed to get this thing unstuck with a lot of power lifting and into the office. By the time my parents arrived I just needed help flipping it upright.

Unfortunately, I ripped the top apart when pushing it over the little metal piece that joins the wood and carpet at my landing (don't know what its called). I hadn't factored that into my calculations. However, the top was laminate while the rest was wood and wood veneer so it didn't finish that well anyway. My plan is to get some sort of cool textured paper (alligator print anyone?) in black and cover the top with glass.

I don't have a picture of the messed up top which is Snag Three but I do have a picture of the finished product. Note - I am eventually going to repaint this room. It was the former owner's daughter's room.

I feel so much better now that it has a home and holds all my junk. As you can see, there is still plenty of junk to go around in that room.

Work events are always fun

2012-01-29T15:07:00.002-05:00

Last night was my annual black tie preferred work event. Its not really a work sponsored event but everyone from work goes. I hope that makes sense but its weird. Just roll with it.

Moving on. I have attended the event for the past three years (2009, 2010, 2011) and almost decided not to attend this year out of apathy and sheer laziness but I watched an episode of The Lying Game where the girls went to a gala to support the ballet. So, my decision to attend was based on pretending that I live in The Lying Game world.

After reading the old posts about my last three events, I realize that nothing has changed. This year, as in years past, there was fist pumping involved and references to Karma were made. I didn't really drink this year though which was kind of a bummer. I am getting over a sinus infection and the antibiotics and alcohol combo just wasn't working out right.

I did have some very awkward moments at this year's event. A supervisor got HAMMERED and told me, "Don't worry, you'll find someone. You're gorgeous."

Did I fall into a Bridget Jones scene? I just said, "thanks."

Then while speaking with two guys from work, one of whom I went on a couple of dates with a few years ago, the other one asked, "have you two ever slept together?" Ouch. Awkward because I'm the one who decided things just weren't working between us. Later on, someone else asked if that guy was my husband after he asked me if I wanted a drink. Again, super awkward. I guess it was just my night.

And, since I was running late to get there, I didn't bring my small point and shoot camera. All I have for you is a quick cell phone shot I snapped and sent to Reed before I left the house. Thankfully, someone at our table had a camera and took a bunch of photos right when we sat down but I haven't gotten ahold of those yet. I just realized that I never got a full body shot of the entire look. :(

Chaos

2012-01-16T09:08:00.000-05:00

After months of dealing with the overflow of OTC meds living in my linen closet I decided to take my butt to The Container Store and do some organization. Technically, I looked everywhere else before going to The Container Store because its so expensive but I finally broke down and went in because I couldn't find the exact thing I needed anywhere else. And, of course they had like five different options.

Here's what the situation looked like before my Container Store experience.

I ended up choosing four stackable shoe drawers found here. Be warned, these drawers slide out very easily. I learned this the hard way after I inadvertently threw two of them at an old man sitting around waiting on his wife. It was awkward. Very awkward.

With my drawers safely contained in The Container Store bag I traveled home to tackle the closet.

I have five packages of cough drops, seven boxes of bandaids, and seven different varieties of cold medicine. You'll also notice an extreme overabundance of icy hot. The Desitin was a failed attempt to soothe a mystery rash that turned out to be an allergic reaction to either some form of soap, shaving cream, laundry detergent, or fabric softener. I forget which.

I'm pretty much ready for the period following a nuclear war.

I managed to corral everything into the shoe drawers and move the stragglers from the bottom shelf up to live with their friends.

This is apparently what normal people's medicine cabinet organizers look like.

I have to win

2012-01-11T18:34:00.003-05:00

I need this bowl and spoon. I am a loyal Cinnamon Toast Cruncher so I'm not sure how much I will enjoy this Frosted Toast Crunch WHEN I WIN (self-fulfilling prophesy anyone?) but I'll give it a shot. Dare to go up against me and the universe here.

Dreams

2012-01-05T18:41:00.002-05:00

The other day I set my alarm early to go to the gym before work. When it went off I hit snooze, fell back asleep, and dreamed I went to the gym.

That totally counts right?

Make a note

2012-01-02T13:51:00.002-05:00

The other day I was walking my dog around the neighborhood and I walked past a folded up piece of notebook paper filled with pencil writing. It was a little wet and weathered so I didn't pick it up but as I passed it I thought, "ooooooooooh, a note!"

Do you remember note writing in high school? It was such an important part of my high school days. Back when no one had cell phones or facebook, note writing was THE form of communication while we were stuck at school. Got a juicy piece of gossip from second period that you neeeeeeeeeeeed to pass on to your friend in fourth period? Put it in a note playa. And you better make sure that the note is cute; no messy or boring notes here please. We always tried to find cool new fancy ways to write each other's names and tried integrating color into the note whenever possible.

Once you had the note written it was time for the fold. If in a pinch or if a teacher was watching you could do a regular fold in half or quarters type fold but that was basically slumming it in the note world. I was never a great note folder but I could do the standards. I'll admit, I had to google "how to fold a note" to remember but once I saw the pictures of the folds it all came back to me.

Square, Heart, Rectangle

Even if my friends and I had nothing to say to each other we still managed to fill up pieces of paper with words. I wish I still had some of those, I'm sure they would be downright hilarious.

The best thing about notes? Finding someone's note on the ground. What better way to snoop into someone's business than to read their notes to each other? Finding a lost note was like finding an emerald in the hallway. And of course if it was a good one you let everyone else read the note, too.

Do kids these days still pass notes?

The Fever

2011-12-30T09:26:00.000-05:00

While perusing my local Target I spotted this gem:

Keeping Up

2011-12-28T19:08:00.003-05:00

Somehow I've been able to avoid the Kardashians for a long time. Sure, I know who they are but who doesn't? You just can't avoid them. However, despite my addiction to reality tv I never watched any of the Keeping up with the Kardashians or the Take Miami episodes or the Khloe and Lamar episodes or, are there more?. This all changed when I decided to watch the Kim and Kris Humphries' wedding special. It sucked me in and I lost four hours of my life watching the D-R-A-M-A.

Then E! ran a marathon of the Kim and Kourtney take New York episodes and I happened to start watching one. I am now addicted to the Kardashians.

One - It is amazing to watch the slow motion trainwreck that is Kim and Kris Humphries. I feel bad for Kim because all she really seems to want is to have a good husband and make some babies in Los Angeles. But instead, she married a 26 year old from Minnesota who just wants to party on Lake Minnetonka, play basketball, and throw her onto beds.

Two - Scott Disick cracks me up. I guess he was sleazy for a while but it seems like he might have gotten his business together. He dresses like an early 1900s oil tycoon and I find it totally ridiculous but totally amazing. Plus, he says some pretty funny stuff, especially about Kim and the Hump.

(Rockefellers courtesy of Library of Congress and Scott courtesy of Kourtney Kardashian)

Three - Those girls are really weird and I sortof want to be friends with them. Kim is super weird about cleanliness and "her space", Kourtney is all about avoiding chemicals in plastic toys, composting, and kale chips, and Khloe is an amazon who got married after knowing Lamar for a month.

So, it appears that I have jumped onto the Kardashian bandwagon. Feel free to judge.

Smackdown

2011-12-19T08:59:00.000-05:00

This past Tuesday night I went to WWE's Smackdown here in Raleigh. I don't watch pro wrestling but BFF from work's husband was going with his friend and we thought it would be fun. We know NOTHING about wrestling. Most of the time we just talked about which wrestlers were hot and which ones were not.

Actually, I lie. I know the Miz from the Real World. Unfortunately, he wasn't there that night.

Anyway, I mistook one wrestler for Nelly at the very beginning and it was all downhill from there. At one point the man and woman sitting in front of me just turned around to look at me after one of the comments I made. I mean, really? It's all fake anyway, who cares?

The best part of the night? Listening to the comments people in the crowd scream out to the wresters. HI. LARIOUS.

Wrestling is really just a soap opera for dudes.

I forgot my camera which ended up not mattering because you can't bring in cameras with detachable lenses (which resulted in a long walk back to the car). Point is, all I had was my cell phone for pics.

First up:

The screen.

Jack Swagger is a goon and has no swagger. He also has a lisp that no one mocks. The Big Show is like the biggest man on the planet.

Here is Sheamus, the whitest ginger on the planet, wrestling the largest Indian man on the planet.

And here is Randy Orton some snake guy. He and BROSKI, some guido dude that wears neon colors, won the final tag team event. I was on the edge of my seat.

My Christmas List

2011-12-16T09:39:00.001-05:00

Everyone is doing these gift guides but none of the stuff I'm seeing really appeals to me. I figured I would share the list of a girl who wakes up at 5 am to go buy a ladder at Lowes.

1. Tony Bennett duets II cd. For swanky dinner parties that I host only in my mind.

2. Fleece rainboot liners. To keep my tootsies nice and toasty when it rains or snows.

3. Compost holder for my kitchen. With liners. I <3 Earth.

4. Chainsaw. So that I can massacre things in Texas. See also number 5.

5. Leaf blower. I have 9 trees in my yard - 8 oaks, 1 maple, 1 pine.

6. Yoga Mat. I don't want to share sweat germs at the work gym.

And that's really all I could think of. My sister told me I'm a 60 year old and mocked my Tony Bennett cd.

X-mas party hits

2011-12-14T20:16:00.002-05:00

On Saturday I had my second annual Christmas party and I figured I would share some of the most popular dishes.

Particulary popular were these two recipes from Kim at Mo'Betta.

First up: Sausage balls.

2 cups heart healthy bisquick
4 cups shredded sharp cheddar cheese
1 lb hot sausage
1 lb mild sausage (I always keep it local and buy Bass Farm sausage. Go NC!)

Mix all, roll into balls, and bake at 350 for 10-15 minutes.

Next: Shrimpies wrapped in bacon
Shrimpies (peeled/deveined)
Bacon
Old Bay seasoning
Cocktail sauce

Kim says to use jumbo shrimp but I used regular small shrimpies and they worked fine. I just used smaller pieces of bacon. Ok, cook bacon partially. It should be mostly done but not crispy.

Take a shrimpie and sprinkle Old Bay seasoning on him. Then take a half piece of the partially cooked bacon and wrap it around your little shrimpie. Secure it with a toothpick. Then dump cocktail sauce onto the whole package and pop them all in the oven. Bake the shrimpies until the bacon is crisp and the shrimpies are pink. I baked them at 350 and have no idea how long it took them. I just kept an eye on them.

Third: Buffalo Chicken Dip
8oz Ranch dressing
8oz Whipped cream cheese
8oz Hot Sauce - I used Frank's Red Hot Buffalo sauce
3 - 4 boneless/skinless chicken breasts
2 cups shredded cheddar cheese

Cook the chicken. You can boil it in a time crunch but I try and cook mine in the crock pot because I just can't be bothered to slave over a stove. Let the chicken cool and then shred it. Mix everything and put into a baking dish. I usually use a square one (8x8? 9x9? I have no clue). Bake at 350 until bubbly, usually takes about 30 min for me. Serve with tortilla chips.

I think some people use blue cheese dressing in place of ranch to make this thing as well. I've never done that but I'm pretty sure it would be just as banging. I also like to make mine a little hotter so I end up using more than 8oz of hot sauce and usually sprinkle some on top, too.

Next: Chocolate Dipped Pretzel Rods

1 bag pretzel rods
1 bag milk chocolate chips
1 bag white chocolate chips
Festive sprinkles

Heat up the chocolate in a double boiler, smoosh chocolate all over pretzels. Sprinkle sprinkles all over. Put on baking sheet covered in wax paper. Enjoy. Everyone likes the white chocolate ones way better.

All these things were mega easy and were GONE by the halfway point in the party. I think I got one shrimpie, zero sausage balls, zero buffalo dip, and zero white chocolate pretzels.

This post just made me really hungry.

Black Friday

2011-11-29T19:33:00.003-05:00

This past Friday as you may already know was Black Friday. I ventured out around 5am to take advantage of the sales at....Lowe's.

Yes, myself and the rest of the 60 year old men were at Lowe's stocking up on old man things.

Last year I hit up Home Depot for a wet/dry vac for my dad for Christmas so I am basically now a certified 60 year old man.

Let me tell you, things at the hardware store are dignified on Black Friday. Us 60 year old men know how to act. We don't pepper spray each other. We don't stand in line in the freezing cold waiting for the store to open. We just roll in, get our tools, and bounce.

I got there around 5:30, walked straight to the ladder section, and picked up the last $19 ladder. On the way out of the aisle a 60 year old man told me that it was a great deal. I told him my dad said the same thing and told me to go get it. It was nothing but smiles and congratulations. I promptly paid for my $19 ladder and left. It took about 4 minutes total.

As I was leaving I saw a carful of 60 year old men and a 30 year old son piling out of a car. Again, all smiles and relaxation. It was great.

I went home and went back to sleep for a couple of hours then I used my ladder to finally get into my attic. It was amazing.

For those interested, here is my ladder:

You can buy your very own right here. Or, you can wait until next year and get one on Black Friday. I'll see you at Lowe's

How wildly appropriate

2011-11-10T08:29:00.000-05:00

Here is a clue from a recent Sunday crossword puzzle:

Hint: Number 69.

If I go missing you all know what happened.

2011-11-08T20:04:00.003-05:00

I'll share with you a scene from the women's bathroom today at work:

Now, I have been watching a LOT of American Horror Story on FX (If you're not watching it you NEEEEEEEED to be. It is so good. And so weird. And so creepy). I also recently watched the majority of Drag Me to Hell and had residual nightmares. So, at this point, I'm pretty much an expert on the paranormal, gypsy curses, and haunted things.

I have officially diagnosed this as an omen of bad things to come.

If I disappear, please get a small woman to tie a rope around my mother and send her into the spiritual world after me. I promise I won't go into the light.

True Story

2011-11-04T20:02:00.003-04:00

I just almost died of starvation because I was too lazy to make myself anything to eat.

I was almost too lazy to even walk to the fridge but somehow I managed to drag myself over there. Opening the fridge resulted in despair over the lack of premade food inside. So, I ate my last Halloween Reese cup and sat back down on the couch.

Suprisingly, the Reese cup did not satisfy my hunger for any meaningful period of time and I found myself near death again. I dragged myself (walked) to the kitchen with my last remaining breaths and located the bread for a sandwich. All I had was some suspicious cougar meat lying around (like old lady cougar not feline cougar. I just now decided to apply this term "cougar" to old things like lunchmeat. Feel free to adopt the saying. Barf choke.).

I used the cougar meat to make the worst sandwich ever. I literally threw the top piece of bread onto the mountain of cougar meat and shoveled it into my mouth. It was the worst sandwich I've ever eaten. I didn't even finish. I wish I died of hunger instead.

Snitches get stitches

2011-11-02T09:31:00.000-04:00

So, if you remember, I had a biopsy of a spot of my face. Well, the spot turned out to be a basal cell which is a nonmelanoma form of skin cancer. This meant I had to get the sucker cut off which meant another bandaid incident.

However, this bandaid incident was a little more insane. Because the spot was right at my hairline it had to be shaved. This is beyond a doubt the most traumatic portion of the entire event. I started out with a notch cut into my hairline but thankfully (?) they had to cut more skin out and had to shave some more hair so the shaved part became more even. In reality no one can even tell because they are too busy looking at the stitches in my forehead. But we'll get to that.

So, as we're shaving I start looking around and notice all these liposuction certificates on the wall. Apparently, when its not a Tuesday, this room is the lipo room. I found that interesting.

They cut some of my face off during round one and I go out to the waiting room while they test the edges for cancerous cells. They put the largest bandage ever on my forehead and assure me that there will be others in the waiting room with bandages because this is their designated skin cancer removal day. This is what I looked like:

There was no one else in the waiting room who looked like this. They lied to me.

So, I waited around and we had to go for another round of face cutting before they got it all. And then they stitched me up and used the flesh colored tape in order to make the bandage less noticeable. It didn't help.

I had to wear a bandaid on my forehead for about two days because I was supposed to keep it covered and I couldn't wash it for two days. Believe me, the bandaid was better than the bloody mess that was underneath. Head wounds bleed. A lot.

Because I've been living with stitches for about two weeks I forget that I look like Frankenstein's monster and I keep wondering why people are giving me strange looks. Some people ask what happened and some are just too polite. I tried to make up a fantastic story but I'm just a terrible liar and could never actually tell someone the story.

So, the moral of this story is: wear sunscreen or you will get face cancer and they will have to shave your hair.

Additionally, bandaids are not Nelly cool.

My favorite holiday

2011-10-31T09:22:00.001-04:00

Happy Halloween from the skeleton zombies in my front yard.

Fall Fashion Revisited

2011-10-12T09:07:00.001-04:00

On Friday morning I stood in this line:

To snag myself some steals and deals on some J.Crew clothing.

I didn't get any pictures of the inside because my phone was dying a slow death but I will share the details of my haul. I spent $235 and got a winter coat, five sweaters, two work blouses, one bathing suit bottom, a scarf, and a winter hat (aka toboggan).

You will note that there are two orange sweaters in there. I went with the intention of transforming myself into a maple leaf. I must have tried on about 15-20 red/mustard/orange sweaters during the trip. The orange sweaters won out. Mustard made me look like a zombie and the really good red one was all jacked up in the shoulder area. Oh well. Combined with the brown and green sweaters I already own I think I can make it happen this fall.

Here are the details of the sale in case you want to go find yourself some steals and deals.

Should you decide to go be advised that you will be digging through boxes and there are no dressing rooms. Wear appropriate attire to try clothing on overtop of like a skirt or leggings with a tank top and slip on shoes. Good luck!

Spotted

2011-10-10T13:05:00.000-04:00

Pretty Woman

2011-10-05T17:14:00.003-04:00

Today I saw a real life Julia Roberts style hooker crossing Capital Blvd!

I tried snapping a pic quickly but I only caught her from the backside. In case you can't see her ensemble very well she is wearing a skintight gray one shoulder dress with platform red heels. This is what she was wearing to cross Capital and then proceed southbound towards downtown. This was at 2:30 in the afternoon. In case you're still not convinced she's a hooker then look at the background of the picture. Ain't no reason to be wearing that outfit in that environment.

To her credit, she has a better body than I do butttttttt....I don't want to think about all the "cardio" she has to do to keep it.

Fall Fashion inspiration

2011-10-03T21:16:00.000-04:00

Let me preface this post by admitting that I am no fashionista. I usually wear hanes t-shirts with American Eagle shorts I bought in college with sneakers. In cooler temperatures you can substitute jeans for the American Eagle shorts. However, for the past couple of years fall fashion inspiration hits me and I decide that I want to look like one thing for the entire fall and winter seasons.

Two years ago I decided I wanted to be an equestrian person. I don't know the proper terminology for this person but they ride horses and wear riding pants and jump fences. This is completely not me but I want it to be so badly. Note: I still want riding boots to wear with jeans so that I can be a complete poser. I bought these boots from Banana Republic that fall and super love them still.

Last year I decided I wanted to be a 1970s Harvard professor complete with elbow patches and courdory jackets. I own a courdory jacket from H&M but nothing with elbow patches and this makes me sad. :(

J.Crew's version.

An H&M version.

This fall I have decided that I want to look like I fell off a maple tree. I want tons of oranges, and reds, and mustards. I'm not really sure these colors are going to look good on me but I want them soooooooooo bad. In fact, they may make me look like a dead person but I'm willing to take that chance.

H&M scarf I saw the other day.

I saw a bunch of orange stuff at H&M but didn't make any purchases because it was about 85 degrees out. Now that fall has arrived and I'm freezing, I am desperately wanting an orange sweater and this orange scarf. The color in that pic is weird, its way more orange than red in real life.

If anyone finds some good orange, red, mustard, or even hunter green sweaters send the info my way. I am in need of some good fall color.

The Great Sangria Experiment

2011-09-30T15:52:00.001-04:00

I've never made sangria before and I've only had it once but it looks so fun and lively I decided I would make some last Friday. Semi-recently, Roy Handler demonstrated a sangria recipe on Chelsea Lately so I figured I would use that one.

I went to the store and got all my ingredients:

1 bottle dry red wine (I didn't go the kosher route). I googled what a good sangria wine is and got a couple of answers. At this point I've already forgotten what they were but I chose a chianti because that's what Hannibal Lecter drinks when he eats someone's liver. Seriously. That is why I chose it.

1 orange
2 apples -
1 plum
1 peach - I used this instead of a fig because my Food Lion has probably never stocked a fig in its entire life.
Mint

I already had the brandy on hand. I used to like to drink brandy a lot in college. I probably still do.

Anyway. Moving on. Roy Handler notes that it is difficult to mess up sangria. I wouldn't say that it was messed up so much as the fruit to liquid ratio was a bit OFF.

First off, note that the fruit reaches above the liquid line. Secondly, this was no classy sangria affair since I served it in a rubbermaid pitcher. I guess I should find something a little fancier in case I have more discerning guests. Thirdly, this pic and the following wine bottle pic are crooked because I was discreetely trying to take these pictures while lying on my deck so that my neighbor doesn't think I'm weird. I apologize for that.

So, back to the sangria, warning bells started going off when I was cutting up the fruit but I thought to myself, "surely you can't be messing this up! You are following a recipe! It is unmessable!" HAH!

I guess it tasted alright but I think I would have preferred it to be a little sweeter. I have decided next time I make sangria I'm going rogue and not following any recipe. If I mess up I only have myself to blame.

Proof

2011-09-29T18:21:00.002-04:00

I really do wear the nonsense that I buy. And here's a crappy cell phone pic to prove it to you.

How else was I going to let everyone around me know that it is t-shirt time?

Straw Dogs

2011-09-28T10:07:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, my sister and I went to see Straw Dogs. Now, I haven't seen the original but this movie was CRAZY! (in a totally good way). I recommend you go see it.

Accordingly, I have jumped on the Alexander Skarsgard bandwagon. For years now Reed has been extolling the virtues of Mr. Skarsgard but since I don't have HBO I have missed out on the Eric Northman experience. During the movie I couldn't focus on him being a bad guy because he was so distractingly good looking.

Por ejemplo:

Hello. I have a roof you can repair.

Are you carrying a shotgun? I can't tell because I am mesmerized.

Soooooooo, yes. Go see the movie and tell Alexander I say hi. And since he's Swedish thank him for sending us Ikea. (I googled him when I got home).

Shoe Fever

2011-09-26T14:00:00.002-04:00

Last week I almost caught the shoe fever Reed has been stricken with.

I got one of those $10 Kohls coupons in the mail and figured I would go try and get a frame that cost less than $10 and thus get it for free. After locating a frame and while making my way to the register I was seduced by the shoe section.

I didn't buy any because the fever wasn't that strong but I took a lot of pictures that I texted to Reed. I'll share with you my faves.

I can't find these online but these are glittery and barely on sale.

Buy these here. They are on mediocre sale.

Buy them here. They are on sale for real.

Looking at the pics makes me wish I had bought them all. What kind of shoes am I purchasing instead? Practical running shoes. BOOOOOOOOOOOOORING.

In the Target baby aisle again

2011-09-14T09:55:00.001-04:00

Once again I had a baby shower to attend. Thankfully, this was a labor day party over the labor day weekend. Pun intended. There were no guess the belly size or figure out which candy bar is in the dirty diaper type games. Instead people drank and played cornhole. I figured I could handle that.

What I did not anticipate is the fact that I and the couple from work that physically cannot create children with their specific combination of sperm and eggs were the only people in attendance that were not either pregnant or toting 2.5 children. It was a little weird for me.

This party also necessitated a return to the Target baby section which I've decided is the 9th circle of hell. I'm pretty sure that Satan is frozen somewhere in that section of the store but I guess none of my friends have registered for him yet so I'm not quite sure what aisle he's on.

Obviously, there are babies located within the baby aisle and I don't have a great relationship with them but we've come to an agreement; you leave me alone and I'll leave you alone and we'll all be fine. It works.

What I realized during this last trip is that the thing I MOST hate about the baby aisle are the mothers. It is very clear by my confused facial expression and my sweaty palm gripping the registry that I don't have kids. So, yes uppity Target mothers, I'm taking a long time to figure out what Baby Einstein toy I'm looking for. And yes, I choose gifts based on how much I like them and not how useful or how vital to infant development they are and that might mean that I look at every color of pacifier on the rack. However, I don't need your judging stares and mean looks when I wander around looking for the baby wash aisle. I also don't need you blocking the entire aisle with your shopping carts and additional five feet of baby carrier thing that sticks out while you discuss pack and plays. I don't even know what a pack and play is and frankly I don't care. I just want to get my pack of baby washcloths and get out of there unscathed. So, when I try and maneuver around you and your Sherman Tank of a shopping cart I appreciate a little courtesy and politeness.

An artist's rendering of the scene.

File this under:

2011-09-12T09:31:00.000-04:00

My initial thought was that this could be filed under: Things you shouldn't touch in my house.

After hanging it on the wall it should actually be filed under: Bright ideas that didn't work at all.

Note: electrical tape doesn't keep paintings inside frames. For the record, duct tape does an ok job.

Bam!

2011-09-10T13:38:00.002-04:00

Reed and I decided to go look at a craigslist dresser I found as a possibility for my bedroom. Tuna (her hubby) was having a boys poker night so we were going to venture out to see this thing and then get some Mexican (favorite food genre) for dinner. The scene was set for adventure.

Ten minutes into the trip we got rear ended by a girl using her Honda Civic as a battering ram. Cue an interesting roadside wait for an accident report. Blah.

Approximately and hour and half later we were back on the road with slight headaches and a saggy sad bumper. At this point I figured I had to buy this dresser whether I liked it or not because if I even thought about not buying it Reed might kill me and hide my body in the woods. Did I mention we were running my errand in her truck? I told her I would definitely buy her dinner to make up for this debacle of a trip.

Additionally, the place we were going was really far away. Oopsie again. I hadn't google mapped the address so I really had only a general idea where we were going. And my general idea didn't factor in the fact that the road this lady said she lives off of goes so far into the county. Because I watched 15 minutes of that Rob Zombie movie, House of 1000 Corpses (with Reed), before having to turn it off, I was worried we might be abducted by crazies. As soon as we turned into the mega nice neighborhood we decided that the lady probably wasn't a Rob Zombie crazy.

Fortunately, I liked it and lived to see another day. At this point we were starving and in the middle of nowhere. The closest set of restaurants we could find were over at Crossroads in Cary. Unfortunately our ultimate fave, Sweet Tomatoes, was about to close so we opted for the Carolina Ale House. By this point we felt pretty much like this:

We each ordered an alcoholic beverage and got a fried pickle appetizer plus our entrees. Jokes were made about head trauma, being pounded in the rear, and the weird stuff the girl who hit us kept saying. Finally, we were out of there because we still had to drive back to my house and unload the dresser.

Let me tell you what is not fun - carrying a dresser up a hill when your neck and head hurt. That was about all we could take in the adventure category for the evening so Reed left and we pretty much went right to bed.

All I have to show you is this grainy cell pic of the dresser. It will have to do for right now.

Thankfully I love it and it was exactly what I wanted. And, I don' have to repaint it because I really like the color. And it looks good against my weird teal walls that I have yet to repaint.

The moral of this story is that the mini brush saved our life.

The beginning of the end

2011-09-07T20:05:00.003-04:00

My mom sent me her very first text message. She asked me to call her.

I told her that texting was supposed to eliminate calling.

The second text I got from her was this, "Dd."

I was sitting across from her as she typed and accidentally sent it. She said, "oops, ignore that." I told her that I had a strong feeling that I was going to have to ignore a lot of gibberish texts in the future.

I'm so St. Louis, ask my tattooist.

2011-09-01T18:10:00.003-04:00

Today I had to visit the dermatologist.

Growing up I had wonderful skin. Over the past couple of years my skin has pretty much staged a revolution against me. I've been dealing with eczema, other allergic reactions to laundry detergent, and most recently a diagnosis of rosacea. Ugh.

I also needed to have a mole removed from my back that I've put off for about a year or two. It gets irritated and is in a sortof annoying place so I just went ahead and scheduled the appointment for that to be looked at when the weird rash (aka rosacea) on my face was diagnosed.

Today, I got it shaved off. Eek. It sounds way worse than it actually was. However, I was really nervous because the last time I had one removed from my back I basically passed out at the pay window for some unknown reason. I must note that this occurred in front of the entire waiting room. Keep in mind that this is the DERMATOLOGIST OFFICE. It is not a fainting serious type place. So lame.

Anyway, I also have this red angry spot on my hairline that wasn't going away from the rosacea medicine. He squeezed it and got all up in my forehead and declared that it was some sort of mass that is fed by blood vessels so it is permanently attached to my head. Gross. He tells me that it might be a number of options including an angry infected hair follicle, a mole, or a basal cell. What I get from this is that I have an unknown object growing out of my head.

If it is a basal cell its basically cancer. So, he tells me that he's going to have to biopsy that as well. No big deal, I think, until he actually shaves off a piece of my face and they stick a bandaid on me. A bandaid placed right on my face.

I look even more ridiculous than this.

The nurse tells me that I have to keep a bandaid on there until it heals or I can keep putting neosporin on there until it heals. I just don't want it to dry out and become a crusty hard scab. Gross. My options are to put a bandaid on my forehead, to have goopy neosporin all up in my hair, or to have a crusty hard scab. These are not good options.

She tells me to just trim a bandaid down to a small size. Take it from me, a bandaid is a bandaid no matter what size when its on your freaking face.

I sent Reed an email about the entire experience and closed it with this line, "Thankfully, I am not a freak with a bandaid on her forehead that is lying on the ground unconscious."

It pretty much summed up the entire doctor visit.

The VMAs

2011-08-29T20:32:00.002-04:00

Here are my thoughts on the VMAs.

Why was Justin Bieber wearing those glasses? I did watch Selena Gomez interview him on the black carpet and I'll admit that it was cute. Those glasses, however, were not.

Lady Gaga dressed as Danny Zuko for the night.

Deena from Jersey Shore looked indescribably terrible. This is your big moment, why would you look like a tranny hooker wearing diarrhea that just shot out of the butthole of a rainbow?

I had to google every one of the new artists except for Wiz Khalifa. I'm so not cool and hip anymore. The results of that google introduced me to the person who is living my dream life, Kreayshawn. Basically, if you asked me what I would be if I could be anything ever I would totally pick "ridiculous white girl rapper." How can you go wrong with this line, "I got the swag and its pumping out my ovaries"? It's like she looked into my head and saw everything I've ever dreamt of being and then stole it. Le sigh.

I fastforwarded Beyonce's performance. Sorry B.

I like Bruno Mars singing Amy Winehouse tributes better than his own songs. He should switch just for me.

I am so curious as to how Jessie J hurt her foot. Someone should have answered that burning question for me. The viewing public needs to know! Kurt Loder, where are you when I need you?

I'm glad I recorded this thing so I can fast forward through the parts I don't like. And it doesn't seem like they gave out many awards at all now that I think about it. Maybe those were the parts I fast forwarded through?

Brit Brit in the flesh

2011-08-29T09:20:00.000-04:00

Ok, so Britney didn't sell many tickets like they were hoping for and the third level got closed. Em and I bought third level cheap seat tickets. We sat on row P of the 1st level. AMAZING. The concert started off well.

This is much closer than our previous seats.

I bought a bottle of water and they told me I would have to put it in a cup. Confused, I asked why. The lady told me that Britney requested it so just in case the show got out of hand no one would throw a bottle at her. I gasped and said, "I would never throw anything at Britney." Apparently Britney doesn't have much faith in the people who actually bought the tickets to the show.

Nicki Minaj didn't open on our show date. Bummer. Instead, we had two girls named Destiny & Paris. Em said they should change their name. I agreed. They wore weird outfits and their dance moves looked like I choreographed them in my bathroom but their songs were poppy and I'd probably listen to them on the radio (but not download them). So, they were just, eh.

It seems as if I gave them too much credit by spelling "Destinee" the nonstripper way in the preceeding paragraph. Silly me.

Then, the lean cuisine himself came out.

DJ Pauly D has a bejeweled Italian flag on his laptop. His headphones are bedazzled. His stage lights were green, white, and red. It was hilarious.

Here are some blurry pictures to make you dizzy.

Pretty much the entire time he was on stage Em and I fistpumped like crazy and couldn't stop laughing. It was just surreal. She bought her boyfriend a Pauly D t-shirt and in a moment of insanity I purchased myself one! Honestly, I will probably wear it a lot.

Speaking of purchases, I could have purchased $55 Britney Spears leggings but I didn't. I don't know why I didn't make that purchase. Hm...

In between Pauly D and Britney I ran into two friends from high school. They're not avid Jersey Shore watchers and were confused as to why they just watched a dj for 30 minutes. Then we started talking about fist pumping and they said, "does he do that on the show or something?" I just laughed and said yes. I mean, what else are you gonna say?

Brit Brit came on and performed for way longer than we expected her to. She's noticeably slower in her old age and is a little chunkier than she used to be but um....I still thinks she looks good. She looks better than me so who am I to judge? And, it was still fun to watch. Especially from the expensive seats. The stage setup was really neat and one of her backup dancers reminded me of RUFIOOOOOOOOOOO! That made me laugh a little.

Here comes Britney!

She is that white blob in the center. Obviously these were all taken with my professional camera phone which accounts for the amazing quality. Only the best. Only the best.

Final Grade: A+

Shake and Bake

2011-08-26T16:35:00.003-04:00

This is a little late. I'm lazy. Sorry.

I'm just getting around to writing some blogs. My phone isn't emailing me the pics I took at the concert and those are VITAL to a blog post about the concert. And my cat chewed up the connector cord. Sooooooooooo, this story works for now.

I'll set the scene. Its Tuesday afternoon and I'm sitting in a classroom doing some training and minding my own business. All of a sudden stuff starts shaking. Now, this is strange but our training has been scheduled at a water treatment plant because for some reason there are conference rooms built at water treatment plants. I'm just an Indian and not a Chief so I don't question this decision. I just go. Our instructor doesn't even notice the entire room moving so he keeps teaching. I have a habit of letting my idiotic thoughts come out of my mouth as soon as I have them so of course I shout with glee, "Is this an earthquake?" All my cynical coworkers are like, "no, they just turned the turbines on. No, an 18 wheeler just pulled up," and other boring and stupid reasons for the shakes. Our instructor finally realizes that we aren't paying a bit of attention and asks why. We say, "look at the screen!" which was bouncing up and down. Finally, someone goes to check on whether the floor shaking is a normal occurrence or is some cause for concern. We take a break and I find out that Hurrah! It was an earthquake. And I correctly diagnosed it! I am brilliant! I am a geologist! I am a seismic movement, tectonic plate, pangea, fault line professional!

This immediately becomes the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.

It is a life goal of mine to experience an earthquake and I honestly never expected it to happen. I am elated. Seriously. I'm not exaggerating this at all.

To all you west coasters....I know this was totally minor and not that amazing but living on the east coast I never expected to achieve such a goal. Think of my delight! Think of my glee! Think of my excitement!

Now, I have to go find all my candles in case I lose power during the storms associated with Irene. I already have canned food, firewood stacked, and gallons of water waiting in the wings. I am not playing around people.

I

AM

READY

Bring it on Mother Nature. Bring it on. I've seen Mad Max. I'm prepared for post apocalyptic desert survival. I have an Australian Cattledog. I can wear gigantic slinky earrings.

We don't need another heeeeeeeeeeeeeero!

Brit Brit

2011-08-17T09:45:00.000-04:00

I'm mega excited because not only am I going to see Miss Britney Spears in concert but um....DJ Pauly D is opening. Holla!

I'm up in the nosebleeds but our section actually was a 50 dollar section that got moved into the 29 dollar section. Holla!

I've never actually seen Britney in concert. As I explained to Em, in high school I tried to pretend I didn't like her, probably because she was dating my future husband and I was jealous. But, I own her greatest hits cd (slightly premature) and have finally embraced my love for Miss Spears. Holla!

DJ Pauly D is also dj-ing downtown. You have to buy tickets to go see him. And those tickets cost 25 bucks. Who does he think he is? Or who does Mirage think he is? That is bogus. I just paid 29 dolla dolla bills to see Britney, a real superstar. Holla!

Finally, I will leave you with a text I sent my friend about the concert:

"How are we going to smush if I'm in the nosebleeds?"

Holla!

P.S. I'm sad that Nicki Minaj won't be at our date. No Holla! on that one.

TIA

2011-08-16T10:35:00.000-04:00

TIA stands for this is awkward. I learned it from an MTV show.

I was once again reminded why I shouldn't date people from work. Why?

Because it is awkward when you're giving one ex-boyfriend a ride because his car broke down and you run into someone else you dated (a.k.a. the guy from Apex - obviously didn't work out between us). Its especially awkward when that's the first time you've seen Apex since you two sorta never actually broke up but just kinda stopped talking to each other. Its also awkward when you say right before he comes to the window, "that's the guy I was dating. Don't say anything" and the two guys start talking to each other despite your strict instructions.

Ugh. It was weird. Thankfully Apex didn't know who he was talking to so it was only mildly awkward for him. Unfortunately, not so much for me.

I can't even say lesson learned on this one. Its more like, reminded of lesson learned a long time ago.

Jersey Shore Quote of the Week

2011-08-15T19:34:00.000-04:00

Vacay

2011-08-11T08:45:00.000-04:00

I just got back from a family vacay to the Green Mountain state of Vermont.

Vermont is a very green state, hence the name. I kept saying, "I feel like I'm in a Tommy Hilfiger add" because it was so picturesque. Specifically, I'm referring to this commercial where they drive the car into the field and have their picnic and the little girl drives away. Except no one in my family looked that good. I'll show some pics later.

Anyway, my parents are basically the worst people to fly with. It all started at the TSA screening. My father was baffled that he had to show his driver's license to get into the airport. Then my mom plopped down three clear bags with things like combs and toothbrushes into the plastic bin along with her clear bag of liquids. The clear bag of liquids I had to rearrange the night before because somehow she is under the impression that contact solution is exempt from the liquid category. She forgot to take her phone out of her pocket and had to be rescreened. On the plane my father talked about everyone else who was on the plane and how fat they were. They sat behind my sister and I so on landing they shook our seats to make the landing more exciting and realistic. Then we had a long unplanned layover and they bugged the crap out of me.

The return flight thankfully had a short layover but hustling them through the airport was just as stressful. They do not walk fast. On the return flight we also saw a woman wearing a life preserver in the airport. I'm assuming that she is not relying on the seat cushion to keep her bouyant in the event of a crash. I should have snapped a picture. My return flight also included two of my coworkers which was weird and random and slightly awkward because I had ignored one of them while she was on my outgoing flight.

Anyway, on to the pictures.

The old asbestos mine.

Jersey Shore Quote of the Week

2011-08-09T21:07:00.001-04:00

Hotlanta is off the market

2011-07-18T18:42:00.002-04:00

So, I went to Edenton, NC home of Reed and Hotlanta and boats. The reason for the trip was the marriage of Hotlanta to a Jewish guy. The Jewish guy part is important later on. I am not antisemitic.

Friday night included a rehearsal dinner afterparty downtown on the lawn of the Barker House. I left my camera in the car but snapped a picture the day after during my super amazing walking tour of historic E-town. Actually, Em took this with my camera after I made her take pictures of me pretending to load cannons.

I was a Barker House veteran because Reed had her rehearsal dinner here.

Saturday was an amazing breakfast at a family friend's house which served as delicious fuel for the abovementioned walking tour.

The walking tour was fun. Our tourguide was a super history dork but made the trip enjoyable. He does not have cable or internet at his house. CRAZAY. We did not ask the dumbest questions he's ever heard but I think I did take the weirdest pictures he's ever seen. Like, when I made him take the picture of me pretending to drink from the teapot monument.

We saw this amazing piece of history on our tour.

I also managed to snap a daytime picture of the reception site, Pembroke Hall.

Pembroke Hall features hand flocked wallpaper and a colonnaded portico. Charles, our tourguide, told us that this means "front porch with columns." So, I have begun referring to my front porch area as a colonnaded portico on my 1979 split level home. It sounds very stately and like I don't still have wood paneling in the den.

We ran into the ladies at the salon downtown after our tour and I found out that one of the bridesmaids was a child pageant star. Naturally, Em and I squealed with delight and started discussion Eden Wood's upcoming music career and ni nis.

The ceremony was at the Baptist church but featured a tag team lineup of officiants that included the pastor of the church and a rabbi, who in my mind I referred to as Rabbi Shmuley. I had to make a SERIOUS effort to not call him that out loud in case he was around, which almost happened. Again, I really do like Jews.

The gothic revival interior of the church mixed with the chuppah. P.S. if any of these architechture terms are wrong, I blame it all on Charles.

Following the ceremony was a walk to Pembroke Hall that was lead by a bagpiper and the bride and groom. Probably the coolest part of the wedding. And I think yelling MAZEL TOV at the top of your lungs is pretty cool. I'm also a huge fan of picking people up on chairs and dancing in circles to Hava Nagila.

So, we get to Pembroke Hall and relax with our sweet tea vodka beverages and fan ourselves like true southern belles.

As the sun was going down I snapped this photo.

You can't ask for anything more beautiful than that.

I decided to take my heels off fairly early in the evening and put on my flip flops.

In case you didn't catch on, I put my shoes on the wrong feet. Grad school is not doing me any favors. I should request my money back.

At one point the band took a break and turned on some music. The first song to play was Salt N Pepa's Push It. This just happens to be the song I karaoked to multiple times during Reed's bachelorette party. It is a serious party starter. And I am a serious rap sensation. I asked a band member if I could sing the song on stage with the microphone and he said yes. Elated, I jumped up and got out two push its before the guy on the soundboard cut me off. I am still very sad.

Undeterred, I continued the performance without vocal support and dedicated the dance to the bride. Someone does have video footage of the performance.

There was so much more fun, crazy, exciting stuff but I just can't remember it or cram it into this post. I'll leave you with this picture that Reed took.

Just dropping in

2011-07-13T21:31:00.002-04:00

So, yeah. Needless to say, posting will be very sporadic around here. However, I do have a few quick things to mention.

First, it is difficult to convince the door to door exterminator man that you don't want or need his services when your front door area is covered with crazy spiders living in their spider webs. However, it can be done.

Second, I've been defriended by two different people on facebook in the past six months. One is the guy from California that I trained! Apparently he secretly hated me and has since quit and apparently felt it necessary to defriend me (but not anyone else from work). The other person is also from work and apparently hates me now, too. Let me tell you, its a little awkward sitting next to someone in training when they defriended you (and only you) for an unknown reason. Small talk doesn't flow quite as easily.

So, apparently I'm awful. But lets be honest, was I really friends with them in the first place? No. But I'll be honest again, it was really fun to look at that one girl's life and judge her.

Thirdly, I called my grandma to wish her a happy birthday the other day and she started talking about the Casey Anthony trial. Then she mentioned that she thought Dr. Drew might be doing a special about it. It was very strange to hear that my 86 year old grandmother knows who Dr. Drew is. Maybe we should talk on the phone more often. I wonder if she watches Teen Mom?

Anyway, that's all that has happened in the two or three weeks since school has started. My life is amazing, right?

Grad school is a vampire and is sucking my life away.

2011-07-02T08:56:00.002-04:00

I'm taking a summer school class. It started a week ago. This is how my life goes:

Wake up, work out, go to work, come home, eat, read or write or research until its time to go to bed.

I probably won't have anything to say for a while. Sorry.

No pressure

2011-06-16T10:42:00.002-04:00

This is the subject of an email my mom sent to my sister and I the other day:

"pics Idea for future childrens party"

She is sending my sister and I ideas for our future childrens' parties. So. Annoying.

And slightly crazy.

Pickup lines

2011-06-14T09:02:00.000-04:00

From the bar this past Saturday night:

Creeper (to me): Your dress looks just like curtains I have hanging in my house.

Me (to creeper after a giant pause and a lot of death staring): No it doesn't.

Creeper (to bff from work): Have you ever heard a pickup line like that?

Bff from work (to creeper): No.

Me (to creeper): That was terrible.

Bff from work (to creeper): Your shirt looks just like my cat's litter box.

I did not find a future husband at the bar. I did find a convicted felon, the creeper, a super short "business owner" from Texas, and a guy who has a 4 month pregnant wife at home whose friend was talking to a 60 year old woman.

soap

2011-06-13T09:54:00.000-04:00

This stuff:

smells amazing. And no one from Target told me to say that.

Bieber Fever

2011-06-10T09:55:00.001-04:00

Sephora sent me an email a few days ago and at the bottom was this:

This is the new Justin Bieber perfume called "Someday."

This is the descripton:

"SOMEDAY by JUSTIN BIEBER is more than just a perfume: it's a fragrance full of the energy, passion, and confidence that pushes him to the top of the charts. It is a personal gift straight from his heart, a scent that drives him wild and makes the girls who wear it totally irresistible. So go beyond the music and journey deep into a world of possibilities—into the world of Justin Bieber... A crystal-encrusted, heart-shaped charm can be removed and attached to a keychain or zipper pull—so you can be close to Justin's heart wherever you go. "

O.M.Geezy.

Lets move onto some of the comments and reviews.

"Justin Bieber is a great person.I will buy the perfume and smell like the girl of Justin's dream"

"Justin never fails to disappoint me, and he won't disappoint you with Someday either!"

It was rated Bieberiffic and Bieberlicious. And don't worry, there is a scented spray for your hair in case you need it.

This made me think back to the time when I was a tween and was jumping into the perfume market. I purchased this amazing fragrance:

Oooh oooh Malibu!

I also had a bottle of this:

Looking back at my own choices I guess I can't really judge anyone for liking the Bieb's perfume. I mean, I got my bottle of Malibu Musk at Phar-mor.

Summer Reading

2011-06-09T10:39:00.001-04:00

I'm pretty much the best Hills fan of all time at the moment because I have these books from the library:

I read the Whitney Port book on Monday night and convinced myself that I need a lavender room just like her. Then I realized I would kill myself in a lavender room. I also listened to her when she said that popcorn is a good snack. It is. I just remembered why I rarely eat it after getting fifteen thousand pieces in my teeth. I still have one in there and yes I have brushed and flossed numerous times and it just won't come out. My tongue is fatigued from trying to pry it loose. I just can't stop.

Other than that its a pretty easy and fun read. She talks about the City a lot and references a bunch of episodes and characters (like Freddie Facklemayer). Its kindof weird and annoying and name droppy but I forgive her. Its an easy beach read with pictures and includes some recipes that I might actually use in the future. I say get it from the library if you need something that doesn't use any brain cells.

P.S. I just googled Freddie Facklemayer to get the spelling right and one of the top stories says "Freddie Facklemayer: The Lamest Fake Boyfriend Ever". It cracked me up.

Solo cups

2011-06-08T20:51:00.001-04:00

I had to throw some solo cups and blue ice packs into a cooler to keep some wine cool one day and the blue ice pack ended up leaking everywhere. I never used the solo cups but they had blue water all over them so I was afraid of poisoning whoever drank out of them the next time I needed them. Rather than throw them out I washed them by hand. This is what my kitchen looked like.

Its like a weird drinking game.

Charleston 2011

2011-06-06T10:26:00.003-04:00

This past weekend we traveled to Charleston again, this time for Hotlanta's bachelorette party. For a good photo recap go visit Reed.

Friday we arrived at our bomb.com hotel, The Restoration on King. It was really amazing. If you have a large party totally stay there. Or if you are amazingly loaded you can stay there, too. We're not amazingly loaded but we had a lot of people. So, it worked out.

There was another bachelorette party on the second floor that we were competing with for the title of "Best Bachelorette Party." We told the doorman, Darren, that we won the title because Saturday night involved a lot of punching each other in the vag. We used a slightly more offensive term, which we relayed to Darren. I think he was convinced of our superiority.

Anyways. Friday night we went out on the town, had some drinks, did some dancing. Dinner was at Social where some nice rich old guy sat down with us and bought us five bottles of champagne. He told me that I was beautiful and that I could drive his porsche back to his home in Key West. Since you're reading this right now you can safely assume that this scenario didn't play out.

Bar hopping started off at Blind Tiger and I kept telling everyone to go to the "Secret Grotto" like we're at the Playboy mansion or something. Its basically the outside porch area that is super amazing. Like more amazing than the bar.

Then I had to go to the bathroom with Em. While waiting I plopped down in the weird transition area on some vinyl couches. I started looking around and noticed that they have some super scary artwork. Being drunk, it was even scarier to me. Exhibit A:

Then I noticed they have a tiny little heater which I determined was an Amish fireplace. And I decided to take a picture. Don't know why but here it is.

We left Blind Tiger to go visit Johnsons where it was techno night. Wah wah wah.

Nobody listens to techno.

But, hiding in the corner of techno land was this fun breakdance competition going on. I immediately began pretending I was in an episode of America's Best Dance Crew. Obviously in this fantasy I was JC Chasez because I'm white and have brown hair and know all the words to NSYNC songs.

We left Johnsons and finally found a bar where we could do some serious dancing and ripped it up.

Saturday involved a trip to Folly Beach where I learned how to surf which has been a lifelong dream of mine. This is totally me surfing at Folly.

I look a little like Kate Bosworth but I swear its me.

Saturday was the lingerie party. I made a shirt with iron on transfer paper with the fiancee's face on each boob in the nipple area and on the front of the undies. It was hilarious and Hotlanta wore it out for the evening. She told me she got free drinks at one of the bars because the bartender loved it. Why did she tell me this and I don't know first hand? Oh, because after a long day of beachness and surfing (and drinking 30 gallons of saltwater after every wipeout) I got sick and had to book it back to the hotel room. Like, grabbed a random cab, jumped in the front seat, and told the cab lady I NEEDED to get back to Restoration on King. The consensus was that I was dehydrated. What a buzzkill I am. LAAAAAME.

By the time I was feeling better everyone was back and I just put my pjs on. Sunday morning Em and I walked down to the market area because she wanted a reed basket. Those things cost like 200 bucks so no reed basket left with us. We got Christmas ornaments instead.

Then we drove back home to NC. Bummer.

Overheard in Target

2011-05-23T17:51:00.002-04:00

I was in the cosmetics aisle on Sunday in Target and a girl and her boyfriend/husband type fellow were walking around. Here's how their conversation went.

Girl: "I need (mumbles some girl product) but I can get that at Ulta"

Boy: "What is that?"

Girl: (large sigh) "Its...another store."

I could tell by the defeated tone in her voice that explaining Ulta was a lost cause. I'm willing to be this guy has even been inside an Ulta at some point in his life.

I couldn't help but laugh.

Miss Manners

2011-05-21T09:54:00.002-04:00

I was grocery shopping last week and a couple who looked about 60ish was in the beverage aisle with me. They seemed a little crazy and were super loud talkers which is why I was even noticing them in the first place. Anyway, the wife couldn't remember what type of vitamin water she liked. The husband kept telling her she liked pink but she didn't believe him. So, she opened up the bottle and tried it. In the store.

Maybe its just my mother but it was drilled into me at a very young age that you don't open things in the grocery store and start eating/drinking them. Because they're not YOURS because you haven't PAID for them yet. So, to see grown adults doing it blew me away. And then I started thinking, "what if she doesn't like pink...is she going to put it back on the shelf?" I couldn't help but stare and shake my head. Fortunately, pink is her favorite flavor and I guess she bought the vitamin water.

And speaking of grocery stores, I've been watching a lot of extreme couponing lately and this is going to my head. I've started calculating my percentage of savings and this week was triple coupon week at Harris Teeter. Today I've got to drag my self out of the house (I have another cold and apparently no working immune system) to get to Food Lion to get bbq sauce buy one get one free. I have two coupons for it so I'm gonna have mega savings. It is exhilarating. I think I may be losing it.

A fireside chat with How Now Brown Cow?

2011-05-17T09:00:00.000-04:00

Ok, so its been a while since the last fireside chat (like 4 months) but here we are again!

I'm bringing you a hard hitting interview with Rachel of How Now Brown Cow? She is the little sister of one of my real life friends and she likes pirate themed romance novels as beach reading.

1. Give me three book suggestions for summer reading this summer.

1. "Love in the Time of Cholera" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez - Yes, I can be an intellectual too. This book is kinda long, so I would suggest reading it at the beach or somewhere where you won't be distracted. This is a really good story and all the scenes are described really well so you can picture them easily. Double bonus points if you read it in the original espanol.

2. "Cleopatra: A Life" by Stacy Shiff - I actually haven't read this book yet, but hope to read it on one of my vacays this summer. I'm always interested in reading about fabulous women and Cleopatra pretty much takes the cake in that department
3. Any rock star autobiography (such as "The Heroin Diaries" by Nikki Sixx or 'Slash" by Slash - These are normally really easy and really fun reads. It will also automatically make you feel instantly better about your life. I'm pretty sure none of us have been pronounced legally dead in a dumpster and then been brought back to life by cocaine.....twice.

2. What is your favorite song right at this moment?

"A Little Less Conversation" by the ultimate man Elvis.

I really love Elvis and I'm rediscovering how great he is. I mean look at him...rawr!

3. F*ck, Marry, Kill: Latin Edition (since you speak the espanol)
Mark Anthony, Ricky Martin, Enrique Iglesias

This is an easy one....

F*ck: Enrique all the way. I love all things Enrique (even his mole). He is the epitome of hispano hotness. I also love his musica in both english and espanol. I would like to hablo espanol consigo.
Marry: Senor Martin. He seems genuinely nice and like he would be fun to hang out with. He could probably also pick out all my outfits and make sure that I look pretty.
Kill: Mark Anthony. I've never been a big fan and I can't stand him or his music. He's also from New York.....DOESN'T COUNT. He also always looks sick to me.

4. If you could be any rapper who would you be?

Two words: Jay-Z. "99 Problems" is one of the best rap songs in the world and I'm proud to say that I know all the lyrics. He's got clothes, he's got record labels, he's got movie roles, he's friends with Barack Obama, and he's got Beyonce. In the rap world, he's definitely winning.

5. What is your favorite body part (on yourself)?

I most often get complimented on my hair or my skin, so those are probably my faves. I don't really take care of my skin that well, so it always amazes me that I don't have lots of zits or wrinkles. My hair used to be really really long like below, but I cut it a few months back. I'm ready for it to be long and lustrous again.....just like my hair idol Kim K.

6. If you could be any animal, what would you be and why?

I would be a toucan. No real predators, you live to be really old and you live on a tropical island. That sounds pretty legit.

7. What is the best KB/Rachel rated recipe you've done from the Weekly Recipe post? Give me a link to it if you have one

The best recipe I've made and reviewed in a while is Hungry Girl's Beany Bacon Soup.
This soup is so easy and so delicious. Just writing this is making me crave it now..

http://rekdbrown.blogspot.com/2011/03/recipe-review-whats-shakin-beany-bacon.html

8. NSYNC v. BSB v. 98 Degrees. Who is the ultimate late 90s boyband?

NSYNC wins by a nose. Justin Timberlake and JC Chasez are some of my favorite people now because of SNL and ABDC, but Nick Lachey is also a good one. I watched every episode of "Newlyweds" and loved them all.

9. What is the best hat you've come across during your hat search? Price is no option!

This beauty here:

http://www.etsy.com/listing/57334478/the-byrone-pleated-victorian-bridal-hat

Sadly it is a bit out of my price range, but I love everything about it. It's everything I'm looking for complete with a feather! This Etsy shop is also really cool. If I had occasions where I had to wear hats...I would buy them from here.

10. Who is your big hair idol?

I love love love big hair. Sadly, my hair is not made to be big....no matter how hard I try.

My number one fave is the lovely Raquel Welch. She's so gorgeous and everything I want to look like everyday.

Priscilla Presley is also a great hair icon. Look at that volume and eye liner! I want mine and KB's first baby picture to be a re-enactment of this.

Thanks Rachel! Your answers were all I ever dreamed they would be.

A hat story.

2011-05-16T18:52:00.002-04:00

Ok. My new hat made its debut this weekend and it was all I ever dreamed of. I went with the plain black one because I figured it would be more versatile. I really loved the great big teal one with the crazy swirls but I only have like one dress I can wear it with.

So, it wasn't really sunny but I decided to wear it anyway. Good thing I did because the wedding was outside and as soon as the bride and groom walked down the aisle after the ceremony big fat rain drops started falling and all the guests booked it for dry land. We didn't even wait for the bridesmaids to get down the aisle; it was every man for himself at that point. However, the hat kept me dry! And a couple of the ladies told me that they needed a hat like mine. Duh!

Final verdict = I love hats.

Inspired

2011-05-08T15:15:00.002-04:00

So, I'll be honest, I didn't watch the royal wedding. I just caught the five minute recap on the news that night. And although I loved Kate's dress and the name Pippa I must confess that I was really smitten kitten over the hats. Crazy, normal, large, small. I loved each and every one. For a good review of the hats you can go here and here. For the record, my favorite was Zara Phillips.

And I decided that I'm finally going to get a hat and wear it to a wedding. And conveniently, I have one this coming up weekend. Holllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

So, I went hat shopping. Not as easy as one would think. Actually, I knew it was going to be difficult because I haven't really seen hats around for a while and I'm not a British royal. Well, it only took two malls and a trip to JC Penny but I finally ended up with a hat. I took pics of all the ones I tried on at Dillards. Dillards came through for me in the hat department although JC Penny had a couple of good options as well.

I was obviously playing around with different ways to blur my face in photoshop before I found the "pixelate" option. What I really wish is that everyone could see the awful dead person faces I'm making in each picture. Only Reed had that pleasure!

I will reveal which hat made the cut after the wedding. I'm sure it will look better with an actual dress rather than a hanes t-shirt, paint splattered jacket, and jeans ensemble. In the meantime, which was your favorite hat from the royal wedding?

The Real Housewives of Raleigh

2011-04-27T22:03:00.002-04:00

aka I went to a fashion show.

So, I went to a fashion show with Em and Reed and initially I was pretending it was just like Real Housewives. I was planning a very Kelly Bensimon ensemble but my white shorts were too see through and it was too humid for white jeans. So, I ended up looking a little more Ramoner sans the crazy eyes. Eh, sometimes we must sacrifice.

Anyway, the fashion show was for vestique.com and I did absolutely no research before going to this thing but they're apparently local NC State grads who started their own business. Go pack!

Moving on. The fashion show was in some gallery in North Hills that I never knew existed. I took a picture of some art I want Reed to paint for me. I'm going to comission her. I hope she accepts payment in the form of stupid jokes and blog shoutouts. We then grabbed our seats on the front row. So fabulous.

The tv show I was pretending I was a part of switched from a Real Housewives episode to an episode of ANTM (America's Next Top Model for those not in the know). Basically we were being Tyra and Miss Jay while discussing runway walks, shoe choices, quadricep definition, and various other modeling aspects.

Of course none of us brought a legit camera. That would make too much sense. So we have crappy cell phone pics. I ended up taking a lot of butt pictures inadvertently. I made a collage.

I finally got the timing down and managed to snap a few decent shots of some dresses I may wear to Hotlanta's wedding. I won't share them because I don't want anyone cramping my style. However, if you missed the fashion show you can check everything out on the website. I'm sure my blurry cellie pics don't do anything any justice.

The babymoon

2011-04-21T17:35:00.002-04:00

Recently I was introduced to a new concept called "The Babymoon."

Now, you all know that I'm not married and don't have kids and I was never a babysitter so I'm fairly ignorant about things related to marriage, reproduction, and childrearing. However, I do have friends who are engaging in these activities and therefore I do get some exposure to them.

I was chatting with one of my friends on fb about her upcoming vacation to Mexico. She is married and is fairly in the know about things like marriage and babies. Obviously, she is doing her research. Anyway, she said that their upcoming vacation is going to be a babymoon.

I immediately respond with "what? number one what is that? and number two does that mean that you're pregnant?"

She explained that a babymoon is like a vacation before the baby but this is going to be just kind of a babymoon because she's not preggers. She just wants a fun vacay before they head down that path.

So, I googled babymoon to learn all about these things. These things are SERIOUS people. Like pregnant people can get things called maternity massages and they get delivery kits that include lip balm, headbands, and nursing gowns and other crazy things. Shoot, I'd sign up just for some free chapstick and a headband and I'm not even pregnant. Even the dads get special massages!

I feel like I have so much to learn. I'm sure I'll never take a babymoon because I'm cheap but to those who do, enjoy! And bring me back an extra headband.

Mexican

2011-04-10T21:50:00.002-04:00

Last week I ate Mexican food three days in a row. The only person I know who loves Mexican more than me is Reed. Anyway, on night two of Mexican I somehow ended up with a plethora of drinks. On the left is a skinny girl margarita, in the middle is sweet tea, and on the right is water, dur. This was my first skinny girl margarita experience and I quite enjoyed it. I feel skinnier already. Thanks Bethenny!

Gyno rumors

2011-04-09T17:18:00.000-04:00

I had my yearly checkup recently and happened to run into a pregnant girl from work at the office. Totally random. Apparently not thinking, she asked me what I was doing there. I gestured to my crotch and said I was getting my lady parts checked out. Later, I pondered telling her I was having an abortion just to start a new rumor about myself at work. I haven't had a good rumor lately and I'm feeling a little neglected.

We chatted for a while because the front door of the office was accidentally locked. There were about seven of us standing outside for a good twenty minutes until someone finally had the idea to call the office. They had no clue we were outside. I just felt kinda dumb for not coming up with the idea myself. My excuse is that I was chatting with preggers.

You may or may not remember my experiences with the colposcopy or the LEEP. Well, good news, the doctor said my cervix looks grrrrrrrrreat! Awesome! Yay! Hurrah! (I am being super sarcastic here) I guess my cervix took a lickin and kept on tickin. I'm just praying to Allah, Yahweh, and the baby Jesus that I don't have to go through all that nonsense again.

Homegoods

2011-04-07T17:07:00.000-04:00

Tuesday I went to Goodwill, TJ Maxx, and Homegoods because the night before me and my new boytoy watched American Pickers and Pawn Stars for most of the evening. It made me want to go sort through junk. So, off to the stores I went. I bought Reed-iculous this rhinoceros head for her new Moroccan bedroom. She finally solved her paint dilemma and I felt her Moroccan energy emanating from the rhino as soon as I saw it.

I also saw this bff paperweight thing for 8 dollars. 8 dollars is way too much for an unknown use object so I just snapped a picture and sent it to my bff from work.

I told Reed-iculous that I would keep an eye out for other animal heads when I went to Homegoods. This is what I found.

I also found an insane amount of elephants but was too lazy to take a picture.

I was also dodging a Real Housewife of Raleigh who was dragging her overly full cart around the store with little regard for anything other than her phone conversation. In the cart was a zebra print child's chair with the back of the chair in a heart shape. It was hideous.

I learned she had a caramel latte from Gloria Jeans and it was delicious. She also was going on a trip and had to rent a car and had an extra seat. She literally talked on her phone the entire time. Even when she almost walked right into me. No apology. I should have taken a picture of her.

Home project

2011-04-05T16:31:00.002-04:00

About a month ago my bff from work bought new patio furniture. She graciously offered me her old wrought iron patio furniture that she got when her mom upgraded. Since I had no patio furniture I quickly accepted the offer. She warned me that it was green which I didn't really remember but I figured I could spray paint it. I ended up using everything I had at the house and making two trips to Wal-Mart for additional spray paint. Everytime I went to the counter I felt like an Intervention crew was secretly filming me. Anyway, I became addicted to spray paint and ended up painting some tiki torches gold and then painting a wicker deck chair gold. My mom and dad gave it to me and after seeing it my dad told me he wants it back. I figured I would share some pics:

Obviously my deck needs to be redone which is a project for this summer. I hate the red. Also, I don't really know where I want the table and chairs so the chairs are still off to the side and the table is right in the middle of everything. Finally, I used four more paint cans than are shown and those are still laying in my yard. I just snapped a pic for the blog. It looks pretty ghetto.

Date 2

2011-03-28T12:02:00.000-04:00

Date 2 went MUCH better than date 1. We went out to my favorite mexican place and while I was getting ready I remembered I had a coupon for the restaurant. Then I realized it was outside in the recycle bin already. I won't lie, I went out in the rain and pulled it out and brought it inside the house to dry off. I told him about it beforehand and he seemed ok with the strangeness involved. I am serious about coupons. In college the people at food lion called me "coupon girl." Don't get it twisted, I'm not like one of those people on TLC who is ultra coupon crazy but apparently college kids don't often use coupons. So, yeah. I'm pretty much not hiding any of the weirdness around this guy and he seems to not mind. So, dinner was nice and we saved some money courtesy of me. Then we went to the redbox and got a movie because we weren't really excited about what was in the theater. We got Dinner for Schmucks. I love Paul Rudd and Reed-iculous said it was funny and a lot of stuff was sold out so it was either that or that weird owl cartoon movie. We watched the movie and then just chatted afterwards. At the end of the night there was a kiss. It was just way more relaxed and he didn't know 50 people at the restaurant so we actually had a chance to talk. He also opened up more which was nice. So, I'm just going to let this thing run its course and if it turns out well then great and if it doesn't happen because he actually is flaky then whatever. Its just fun to have a little boy toy to hang out with. I'll end with the wet coupon I dug out of the recycle bin:

My bliss

2011-03-27T11:59:00.002-04:00

A fresh package of highlighters makes me happy. I love school supplies.

Date night

2011-03-23T11:28:00.003-04:00

Eh. I'm too lazy to write all this stuff over again so I'm gonna copy and paste an email I sent out recapping the date night.

Email:

"Uggggggggggh, it definitely wasn't the worst date I've been on but it wasn't the greatest either.

The day of the date he texted me about a wedding he was going to that day. That was the first mention of any wedding. So, I asked him if we were still going out since he was going to a wedding. He said yes but after the wedding. I told him I needed a time so I could be ready. Finally 7:30 and the Ale House were decided upon. So, he calls me when he leaves this wedding and says to roll on over to his house. I give it another 10 to 15 minutes so he has a really good head start and go. I pull up to his house and it is dark. So, I call him. He isn't there yet, he had to pick up his dog. All things that I could have just waited like 20 more minutes for. So, he still has to change from the suit he was wearing into regular jeans because that's what I'm in and we're going to the ale house.

Ok, we go to the ale house and he has to take a work call and does. I order my food and don't know if he's planning on eating. He also knows approximately four people at the ale house who all come up and chit chat with him while I'm eating. Then, he sees someone else he knows and tells me that he has to go talk to him. I go to the bathroom and come back and he's still talking to him. I sit back at the table and he doesn't come back for another five minutes. Which was annoying but I watched some basketball. So, he comes back and I feel myself giving him a dirty look and he just gives me an apologetic look. So, finally after that we have a normal "date" where we discuss things. We also have a super weird waiter which makes it weirder and more awkward. We leave and he offers to drive me around Apex (a town in NC) to "show me the sights" because I've never been to Apex. He told me it was going to take 2 minutes but he drives me all around apex so it ends up taking about 20, and we chatted or whatever. By this time it is like 1 and I get out and tell him I'm tired and I'm just gonna go home. We hug (no kiss) and I notice out of the corner of my eye that he makes a movement, not like one to kiss me, but one where he would be in a good place to kiss me. I go home and he texts me while I'm on the way home and says thanks for coming out blah blah blah.

No new plans were made, I'm trying to make a dog date right now but we have conflicting schedules and it's making it really hard. There wasn't like an instant super awesome connection but he's nice and despite his weirdness he seems to like me. He's very reserved I think and not really a quiet person but also not a very outgoing put everything out there person so I'm not writing him off just yet.

I told him when we hang out next I'm making him come to Raleigh and he said ok so it didn't seem like he was against going out again.

I don't know. It's iffy. And he may be sorta flaky."

So, yeah. The dog date didn't happen because he never answered. Then last night he asked why we didn't get together. This was over text so I called him and told him he never gave me an answer. We ended up talking for a while. He's fun to talk to but I need some structure and organization in my life. If he can't do that then we aren't really going to work.

At this point I'm not all smitten kitten over him but I'm just going to see where it goes.

St.Pats and I have a date

2011-03-18T10:18:00.002-04:00

Soooooooooo, my master email plan worked and I have a date on Saturday. Holla back, boo.

"Holla back, boo" is what Shanaynay, one of the homeless Raleigh superstars says on this youtube video. While out for St. Patty's day last night Shanaynay walked by and did a little dance for us. One of his signature moves is dropping it like its hot, which he did for me after I yelled, "drop it like its hot girrrrrrrrl!" I snapped a pic and texted it to Em who enjoys homeless people antics about as much as I do.

You can see the downtown ambassador guy in the background chasing Shanaynay away from the bars that contained the paying customers.

I spent the evening with some of my old work faves like Manwhore 1 and 2 and Jewtalian (he is Jewish but believes he is Italian). They were all out without their wives or girlfriends which made it a lot more fun. Don't get me wrong, I really like their wives and girlfriends but they are way more stupid funny without them in tow. It was just like old times. I haven't seen a lot of them in a while due to differing schedules and grad school making me into a hermit so it was nice to get out and be social. However, since I had been up since 4:30am I started to get reaaaaaaaaaaally tired around 10pm. Around 10ish I was introduced to one of my sister's friends and he told her I looked mean. Oops. I apologized and took that as my cue to get outta there. On the way back to the car I got behind these older people who were decked out in green attire. I was impressed with their St. Pat's spirit but I couldn't help thinking to myself, "I'm leaving with the old people. What does that say about me?" I snapped a pic. That is most definitely a huge green wig. You can't really see the guy in front of them but he has a green wig on that is braided in one huge braid down his back.

I got in bed fully clothed and fell asleep that way, with the light on, and while texting my new little boytoy. I woke up around 2:00 feeling mega gross. Falling asleep in a beer soaked cardigan and jeans is not my idea of comfortable sleeping attire.

Taking charge of my destiny

2011-03-16T12:30:00.000-04:00

I had a week of training last week and happened to sit next to a nice, cute, tall boy from another government agency. We chatted a lot during the week and have a few mutual friends in common. We had to take a test at the end of the week and in order to get out early we worked through lunch. I was the first person done with the test and rolled out to use the bathroom and when I came out he was gone. I had lost my chance to take charge of my destiny.

However, I came up with a plan. I would email him! I stalkerishly figured out what his work email is (its a goverment email address. They're not that creative so it really isn't that difficult). And after polling pretty much all of the boys at work, I did it. And he responded. TWICE.

Before anyone gets too excited (me) my email asked him if he had heard about our test results. He responded around 5pm that he hadn't heard and asked me if I had. Then around 5:45 he asked if I was working. I just sent one email reply saying that I hadn't heard anything back either and no one else I had talked to had heard anything and that nope, wasn't working but I gave him my schedule for the next two days. I told Reed that he might need it in case he wanted to bone me.

I'm trying to be a normal and nice person but I can already feel the crazy bubbling up inside of me. Its like my inner Liz Lemon is trying to explode. We'll see how this goes. If nothing happens I'll probably forget to write any sort of followup to this post so if you never hear of this boy again just assume we didn't bone. However, maybe I'll end up with a date that I can recap or something else fun.

For now it just feels nice to have something fun to thing about other than work and school.

Cleanout

2011-03-15T15:57:00.000-04:00

So, I cleaned out the pantry and fridge about a week ago and took some pics of my finds.

The whole crew. Mentally add four more bottles of salad dressing from the fridge to this pile and you'll have the full picture. Honestly, it was better than what I was expecting.

And the winner of the oldest food product located is.... Kraft Light Ranch Dressing!

Yummo! Kraft Light Ranch Dressing is disgusting after almost three years. Because I'm a psycho recycler I washed everything out to recycle. I finally gave up on the Ranch because it wouldn't wash out. It hurt my heart when I placed it in the trashcan because I know it will waste away at a landfill instead of fulfilling its personal legend. Le sigh.

Time change

2011-03-14T12:54:00.002-04:00

I would just let everyone know that I was an hour late to work yesterday because I forgot about the time change.

Awkard bathroom situation

2011-03-08T20:27:00.003-05:00

So, tonight after work I ran by Sears to see if they had any good Lands End pants for work. Of course I really have to pee but I decide to maybe hold it until I get home. As soon as I get in the pants section I decide that I might pee in the Sears pants and it might be embarrassing. So, I go use the Sears bathroom. No one goes to Sears for clothes so it was pretty clean.

As I'm walking out of the bathroom a dad and his two daughters are walking up. The oldest daughter is maybe(?) five and they're walking towards me as I'm walking out of the bathroom. I basically have to walk right through their convo. The dad is asking the oldest if she wants to go in the bathroom by herself. She doesn't. Then he tells her that she has to go in the men's room with him. She shakes her head and doesn't want to do that either. Since I'm literally in the middle of their awkward family convo and I hate awkwardness I blurt out, "Do you want me to take her in there?" She looks at her dad and at me and shakes her head no. Ok, cool. No prob.

I walk away thinking, "why did I do this uncharacteristically nice thing?" Usually I ignore people.

Then I start thinking, "does he think I'm a child molester? I'm some random girl who just offered to take his kid into the bathroom. Does he think I'm going to kidnap her? There aren't any escape windows in the Sears bathroom." EEK! I immediately become self conscious that security is going to stop me and frisk me and run my info. All because I thought I was being nice.

So, yeah. Moms, let me know if that is totally weird. I'm definitely not going to do it again. The kid can just pee on herself.

Spotted!

2011-03-07T19:59:00.000-05:00

What. The. French.

Expiration date

2011-03-02T14:15:00.001-05:00

This past week I tried to feed myself out of my pantry and freezer. I hit some roadblocks.

I ate these.

They were slightly freezerburnt but looked normal once out of the oven.

They had a strange taste that I couldn't drown out with ketchup so I ended up finishing what I had cooked (what? I was hungry) and tossing the rest of the bag.

Another night I found mac and cheese in the pantry. I was super excited. Curious after the french fry episode, I checked the expiration date.

The 2008 box has probably survived two moves. I may not eat that one. I'll probably eat the 2010 box.

A couple of days after that I checked the freezer again and found some frozen green beans. Finally, something in my house that wasn't packaged three years ago.

I'm thinking I need to purge my pantry and freezer.

Proust means madeleines to me

2011-02-24T18:35:00.003-05:00

I got tagged by the lovely Rachel at How Now Brown Cow to do the Vanity Fair Proust questionaire. I love surveys and I love that she tagged me.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

The beach. I love being at the beach and something about the salty sea air, sunshine, and sand relaxes me and makes me happy. I love the raw power of the Atlantic. I’ve admittedly never seen another ocean but I don’t think I’ll love any other body of water more. Also, I like to pretend that I would have been a pirate back in the day.

What is your greatest fear?

Mediocrity. That I’ll end up settling for less than exactly what I want. I am a super overachiever and push myself very hard.

Which figures do you most identify with?

Um, I don’t understand this question.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

I’m sometimes very cold and heartless. I don’t really deplore it because it is who I am but I see how it is something that I might need to tone down in some situations.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

I hate when people don’t know themselves. Go figure yourself out and find your own identity. Stop trying to be like everyone else. Being like everyone else is lame.

What do you most value in your friends?

Loyalty and honesty. If I’m doing something super dumb with my life I want my friends to tell me! And then if I still decide to do it then I want them to be around when it blows up in my face so they can tell me, “I told you so.” And I want them to tell me when my clothes are not flattering and then find me something better. I maintain that the nun dress was amazing. You will never convince me otherwise.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

Lately, “OMG” and my old standby, “HOLLAAAAAAA!” I vacillate between talking like a 14 year old from the valley and a gangsta rapper.

What is your favorite journey?

I’ve got some family vacations that were miserable at the time but now are the funniest adventures ever. My most recent faves have been the trips with Reed, Hotlanta, and Em.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

I hate Jesus people. Like super hardcore in your face I love Jesus people who wear WWJD bracelets. It is so pretentious. I went to a school with a girl I named “Super Christian” because she told my friend she wasn’t going to go to heaven because she was Catholic. Seriously? I don’t think Jesus would go around telling people they were going to hell. No, he would love all the little children and hang out with the prostitutes and make blind men see. I know, I know, I’m going to hell. Save it.

What is your favorite occupation?

The one I have now? Being a pool manager was actually pretty fun and I had a rockin tan.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?

Right now I need to get in shape. The flu knocked me off track regarding workouts and I’m not seeing as much muscle definition as I would like. This, however, is an easy fix.

What is your greatest regret?

A while ago I was thinking about how I should have chosen a career that makes more money but then I had a great night at work and realized I wouldn’t trade my job for any amount of money. So, the lesson is that you shouldn’t try and keep up with the joneses and you should do your own thing. See: the trait I most deplore in others. Obviously it is something I see in myself, too. To answer the question, I don't think I have many regrets.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

Myself.

When and where were you happiest?

I’m pretty happy right now but I have really good childhood memories so I’d have to say growing up at the beach I was happiest.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I would make more time to get out of the house and be social. Hopefully once grad school is over I can do that.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Working full time and completing a master’s degree. It has taken a lot of discipline and I’ve sacrificed a lot for it. When I graduate in December I will be very proud of myself and very happy.

What is your most treasured possession?

My animals!

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Hating your life and not doing anything to change it.

Where would you like to live?

I like where I live now. I’d like to retire to the beach but realistically I don’t think I’ll ever make it back there.

What is your most marked characteristic?

I’m mega tall. Not really, I’m 5’09 but seriously, I’m like an amazon.

What is your greatest extravagance?

Um, I bought expensive couches. That’s probably it.

What are the qualities you most like in a man?

Honesty, ambition, strong character. Not a cheater.

Who are your favorite writers?

Fun ones like Janet Evanovich and the Sookie Stackhouse lady. I prefer fiction and like to escape into another world.

How would you like to die?

Not helpless and hooked up to machines. And not drunk in the freezing cold on a train track (trains will murderize you). I guess I’d like to die doing something cool. And I’d like it to be quick, fast and in a hurry. No prolonged wait for me please. I feel like getting shot would hurt really bad. I’d prefer not to do that either.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?

Stephanie Plum because sometimes I identify with her antics.

Who are your heroes in real life?

I never have really had a hero. I can say what all the kids in my class said in fourth grade: Michael Jordan.

What is your motto?

At least I’m skinny.

Oh, I tag the Charleston girls Katie and Kerr.

Jersey Shore Quote of the Week

2011-02-21T11:08:00.000-05:00

Wine and Design

2011-02-21T10:53:00.003-05:00

On Tuesday I got together with Em and some of her friends to do some painting.

Background: I have no artistic ability. I was very worried about this and was prepared to give my painting to Goodwill. My mom offered to take it instead of Goodwill. At 28 my mom still loves my artwork. It makes me happy.

We went to Wine and Design, which if you're from Raleigh is real close to Five Points. So, the name is Wine and Design but you have to bring your own wine. I didn't know that. Thankfully Em brought some but honestly I was so focused on my painting that I didn't even drink my whole cup. Yes, we drank it out of little plastic cups. One of the girls said that she brought her own wine glass but I think she opted for plastic as well. Also, our night was sold out and we got there right on time. Get there early!

Anyway, it was fun. It cost 35 bucks and they give you everything you need except the wine. I suppose technically you could bring whatever you want to drink. Wine coolers, shots, beer. I guess the owner didn't like the ring of "Jaeger bombs and Design." Whatev. Oh, someone, a real artist, guides you through the process.

Its fun to see how everyone's paintings turn out. They are all different. I learned that I am very good at painting straight lines and vases but not flowers. The flowers were supposed to be very free and have colors mushed around everywhere. That is not my personality. My flowers are all one color because I couldn't stand colors the mushed around everywhere. So, they're pretty boring and type A just like me. The background brush strokes however are very straight and uniform. This makes me calm.

Here are some of the pictures I took:

Jersey Shore Quote of the Week

2011-02-11T13:19:00.000-05:00

Jabroni let down

2011-02-08T18:24:00.003-05:00

I have no great Jabroni showdown stories. Why?

Because I contracted a terrible illness that left me fighting a fever from Thursday afternoon through Saturday night. And although my temperature was down to normal on Sunday the mere thought of getting off the couch left me completely exhausted.

So, that's a bummer.

On the plus side (I guess) I've watched approximately 60 bazillion hours of Law & Order, Law & Order SVU, and Law & Order Criminal Intent. I'm actually watching Law & Order right now. It's one I've seen before.

I've also drank more cranberry juice in the past four days than I've ever drank in my life. I happened to have an entire bottle left over from a recipe I tried a few days before the illness hit so that's what I drank. One glass is 130% of a person's daily does of vitamin C so I had my dad buy me more when he came to check on me. No UTIs for me! I haven't eaten much at all since Thursday so I'm going to pretend I was simply on a cranberry juice cleanse.

Now I'm just waiting for my appetite to return and my emphysema cough to go away.

This right here is serious business

2011-02-03T19:58:00.002-05:00

I'm trying to win at least one giveaway in a week of super awesome giveaways. I'm sharing these because I want an extra entry because I feel LUCKY. (FYI I almost left my typing error and it would have read, "I feel LUCY." I do not feel loose in any sense of the word).

Moving on.

Barefoot in the Park is having like a bazillion giveaways this week to commemorate her third bloggy birthday. You should head over there but you shouldn't enter because I have a better chance of winning an elephant shirt than I do the North Carolina Lottery and I need to win something to make myself feel good.

Go there, read, admire her super great hat (because I want to wear hats so bad) but don't enter any giveaways. I'm serious.

Jabroni encounter coming up!

2011-02-02T15:37:00.002-05:00

Sooooooooooo, you guys remember my Jabroni boyfriend with all his graphic tee and velvet bedspread glamour?

Did I ever discuss the actual breakup on this blog? I doubt it. Anyway, after he was a huge jerk and either gave one of my coworkers the finger or cussed him out he called me cussing me out and then didn't apologize or speak to me for an entire weekend. I dumped him over the phone en route to dinner with Em. Then he deleted me as a facebook friend but sent me some facebook messages telling me he wanted to talk. So, I called him, because I knew at some point we would run into each other again since we have mutual friends. He was watching tv during the conversation so as you can imagine it was a really serious, deep, spiritual, and meaningful conversation. Then sent me a facebook message saying he was sorry (for the first time ever) and missed me. I sent him a mean one back and that was the end of that.

He's going to be at my superbowl party on Saturday.

AWESOME!

He is bringing a girl with him (I assume his girlfriend? Hopefully not the one who slept with Manwhore 2. Actually, hopefully she is because the party is at Manwhore 2's house). She happens to have the same name as my sister. I'm bringing my sister. We're also both bringing buffalo chicken dip. How cute.

I will not lie; I feel some anxiety towards this encounter. Is it too late to hire someone to be my date? Perhaps I can force my California trainee to go with me on his day off. I can tell him that he won't get off training unless he does. I'm not sure he'll fall for that.

I will provide a post party update.

Hmmmm

2011-01-31T19:30:00.002-05:00

No Jersey Shore quote of the week this week. I've got some sort of cold thing that I just can't shake. Pretty much everyone at work is sick, too. We're just a bunch of pathetic gross people right about now. I thought I was getting better but today I ended up waking up at 8 am and then taking a nap from about 10:30 until about 2:30. (its my day off). That is not healthy behavior.

So, yeah. That's kinda crappy. I forgot to do an assignment on Tuesday, forgot a chiropractor appointment on Wednesday, and have in general just not been on top of anything this week. I finally got most of the eyelash glue off my freaking eyelashes though. That's pretty much been the highlight of my week.

My little California substitute trainee rode with me for a half day yesterday. He is sick too and I made him wipe down the car with Clorox wipes before he got out.

And that has been my week. Nothing funny and no Jersey Shore moments (I mean, nothing mega funny happened this past week anyway. I am so over Sammi and Ronnie. So over.)

I'll try and drum up some energy and interesting stories in the next week.

Fake Eyelashes

2011-01-25T10:58:00.000-05:00

Saturday night I went to my annual work related semi-formal to formal (because they can't decide on a solid dress code and because I work with dudes who don't want to wear tuxes) fancy event.

It was fun as usual. I busted out my patented dance moves like the matrix and rapped to Salt N Pepa. How much better of a time could I really have? During an Enrique Iglesias song we all, literally, pretended we were at Karma at the Jersey Shore and did a bunch of fist pumping. I am so stupid.

Anyway, I made a lot of good drinking decisions, such as not texting the California trainee from work and not drinking to excess.

The only problem of the night was the new set of fake eyelashes I got. I needed some more glue and just figured I'd buy a new pair. I spent about 30 minutes trying to get the right one on my eye and ended up putting about 10 lbs of glue on my right eye. So, the eyelash stayed on. My old eyelash glue came off really easy with makeup remover. This new stuff, not so much. I realized this when I started pulling them off and it was really painful. I read the instructions and they said to use baby oil to remove the eyelashes. I don't have baby oil and it was 3 in the morning so going to get baby oil was sorta not an option. I went to the kitchen and used extra virgin olive oil. It didn't work. I just pulled them off and I went to bed.

The next morning I get up and realize that my actual eyelashes are glued to each other. And I ripped the skin off my lids where these lashes were attached. I decided to bring out the big guns and try nail polish remover. Nail polish remover and ripped off skin and eyeballs aren't really a good combo. It hurt. It also didn't work. So, I tried the make up remover again. No go. Then I got out the EVOO. It worked a little bit and made my acetone ripped skin feel a lot better and made my lashes really shiny but wasn't a major solution. Finally I gave up.

So, I'm writing this on Sunday with some of my eyelashes glued in clumps. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to wait until this stuff falls off by itself. I really have no idea what else to do.

A Fireside Chat with Life is Reed-iculous

2011-01-24T09:00:00.001-05:00

Like six months ago, probably when I was on night shift and had nothing to do, I decided that I should do weird interviews on my blog. I made Reed-iculous agree to it (not hard, she loves surveys) and six months later she emailed me the interview back.

Without any further ado, I present to you, Fireside Chats.

(I made a super amazing graphic to accompany my newest feature)

Ok, Reed-iculous is my real life friend. We do things together like talk about Sookie Stackhouse, drink to excess in foreign cities, and cook monte cristo sandwiches and then watch tv. She is one of my best friends and lives in my dog's favorite place on earth, the W. She is totally secretly weird and that is why we are friends.

1. I hear you’ve invented an emoticon or two. Show me:

My best invention :[…. This is the vampire face.

Crazy person face >:-£ I think the face is supposed to be drooling, hence, crazy.

2. F*ck, Marry, Kill: Alexander Skarsgard, Bradley Cooper, Vince Vaughn.

How dare you make me choose between Alex and Vince.
F*ck : Alexander Skarsgaard
Marry : Vince Vaughn
Kill : Bradley Cooper

3. Which as seen on tv product would you choose and why? Your choices are:
a. Booty pop

Does anyone need a BOOTY POP less than me? Yes actually…Kim K, Vida, J.Lo, but other than them?…NO.

b. Slap Chop

is the WINNER! Anything to keep me from using knives.
Not only do I enjoy the preparation of uniformly chopped foods, I also love the Slap Chop dude enough to purchase his product. When he throws the parts over his shoulder into the sink? Priceless.

c. Pillow Pets

Absolutely not.

4. Go count how many pairs of shoes you have. ALL of them! Even crusty work shoes.

93 pairs of shoes…not sure if this is up to date now. But probably close. I have both purged and added to the collection.

5. Scenario: You can only wear one pair of all those shoes (that you own) for the rest of your life. Which pair is it? Pictures are required.

I really, really love these nude platform sandals I ordered from Victoria’s Secret. They match everything and in the winter I can wear them with socks or tights. Perfection!

6. I never hear you talk about your Reebok Easy Tones. Please review them for the world and me.

Um. Since my feet are f’d up with the Intermetatarsal Neuroma thing, the ball of air that is supposed to work your buns actually causes this nerve problem to worsen, so I haven’t been able to wear them comfortably. Therefore, it is hard for me to do a real evaluation of their effectiveness.

7. What is the weirdest article of clothing you’ve purchased in the month of July? Picture required.

I didn’t actually buy this sweater, but sort of gave it new life. It is a one I saved from my father’s closet dump and chopped it off. Purple sweater worn by my father is odd enough….must have been an 80s piece.

8. Who are you voting for in the Video of the Year category for the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards? 30 seconds to mars – “kings and queens”, b.o.b. f/ hayley Williams “airplanes”, Eminem “not afraid”, Florence + the machine “dog days are over”, lady gaga “bad romance”, and lady gag f/ beyonce “telephone”?

BAD ROMANCE

9. Follow up question – have you even seen any of those videos? And who the f is Florence + the Machine?

I know I have seen Bad Romance, maybe Telephone? But I can’t remember any details

10. Unicorn v. Pegasus. Which is superior? and explain your answer.

Unicorn = magic. Wearing a weapon on your head at all times is awesome.

11. Finally, who is your favorite 90s supermodel? And why? And google me your fave picture of her.

Hello. Kate Moss hands down. She’s my favorite model of all time. She can simultaneously be glamorous, gritty, and very real all at the same time. Even to this day…she out models them all.

You asked and I got the answers

2011-01-22T13:18:00.002-05:00

I have the answers to your California questions!

Ok. Questions 1-6 are what I was able to come up with on my own. I'm including them in case you wanted to expand your California knowledge. Big ups to everyone FROM California that knows way more about California than this guy and gave me some good info. I told him that he is the worst Californian ever.

On to business.

I am paraphrasing some of these answers. I was jotting down notes but he was answering faster than I could write. Because, yes, I printed these questions out and wrote down the answers.

1. Have you ever found gold?

No, not really. I've found flakes before while I was panning for gold, is that what they call it? Panning? (See! I had to tell him that yes, it was calling panning for gold. WORST EVER.) They have places you can go and do that.

2. Do you know any porn stars?

No.

3. Yes or No on gay marriage?

Yes.

4. Do you have a prescription for medical marijuana?

No but I know a girl in Colorado who grows the marijuana they use for medical marijuana. (Follow up question - so she is a drug dealer?) Well, she grows it in a greenhouse, like a huge one and waters it and stuff.

5. Which is better, Disneyland or Disneyworld?

He hasn't been to Disneyworld so he can't answer this question.

6. What are redwoods like?

Very big.

7. Have you met any famous people?

I was in a band with the son of the keyboard player from Santana. I went to his house, its cool, he has platinum records all over the wall.

8. Does California really know how to party?

Um, yes.

9. Have you ever thought about going to Heidi Montag's plastic surgeon for a touch up?

No.

10. Do you know any real valley girls?

I was around them a lot growing up.

11. Do you have avocados and oranges growing in your backyard?

Avocados, no. Oranges, yes.

12. Should I start calling the highways the 40 (instead of I40) so you feel more comfortable?

No.

13. Do you go to Lakers games all the time and sit on the front row with Zac Effron and Ashton Kutcher and Eva Longoria?

I wish I sat on the front row with Eva Longoria. I don't really like the Lakers (Follow up question - Do you like the Clippers?) I don't really like the NBA.

14. Are you worried California might detach itself from the U.S. and float away?

I think I've heard about that. No, I don't live there. I guess my family lives there. I don't think its going to happen.

15. Do you make wine in your spare time, you know, just to feel at home?

How would that make me feel at home? (I had to explain to him that California had wine country, duh. Again, worst ever.) I've never made wine before, so no.

He laughed a lot. I asked if I talked like a valley girl and he said I do but I sound more educated. I told him it was that pesky master's degree I'm working on. Sucking up was probably a good idea since right before we got off work he hit a parked car with my work car.

Jersey Shore Quote of the Week

2011-01-22T13:02:00.002-05:00

Due to the bonus episode on Monday its a double dose of Jersey.

California Love

2011-01-18T08:48:00.000-05:00

I'm substitute training this guy at work who is from California on Thursday and I keep asking him questions about California because I've never been and all I really know about California is what I've seen on tv.

Please take a moment and think about what I watch.

And then think about the questions I might ask.

Yes, they're pretty ridiculous questions.

I've already asked him about Tupac and Death Row Records, he is not from Laguna Beach, he does not know how to surf, he didn't grow up on a commune, and he didn't vote for Arnold because he didn't vote in that election because he was out of the country and didn't vote by absentee ballot. The Pacific Ocean is cold, he doesn't know Gwen Stefani, he couldn't explain to me how Los Angeles works, he has been to Mexico but not Tijuana or Cabo (my knowledge of Mexico is even shallower than my knowledge of California), he slept through EVERY SINGLE CALIFORNIA EARTHQUAKE in his 25 years on the planet, and he has seen a bear.

Because this has become a game I'm compiling a list of California questions to ask him on Thursday when he rides with me again. So, if you've ever wanted to know anything about California here is your chance to ask. Don't worry about looking stupid because I'll be the one asking! I need some good questions to fill the time because we've got 12 whole hours together and that's an awful lot of conversation time.

Post your questions in the comments and I'll report back with his answers.

Seriously people, this is your time to shine.

A true lack of funny

2011-01-17T20:31:00.002-05:00

I really haven't had many funny stories to tell so I haven't had much to put on the blog as far as writing goes.

I had my first class on Wednesday and some girl asked my Iranian teacher if he was a terrorist. She didn't use that exact phrasing but that's what she was getting at. He laughed it off but I knew right then that this was going to be an interesting semester.

My chiropractor told me I need to work on my core to help my back out. I thought to myself that any sort of workout might help my backout since I pretty much completely stopped towards the end of the semester. Since I'm on the get back in shape train I decided to incorporate a stability ball into my core workout. Um, stability balls are hard. I fall off a LOT. So, I've started trying to workout at the work gym at night when no one is there so there are no witnesses to my ball battles. The other night I ended up wedging myself between the wall my feet were pressed up against and a mat towards my head end. That way I only had left and right to worry about. I'm pretty sure this completely nullified the point of even using a ball but my core isn't going to gain anything from any exercises that end with me rolling onto the floor. Andddddddd that night someone was there and I'm sure he saw the entire struggle. Thankfully I'll probably never see him again since he works the exact opposite schedule I do.

I came home from work a few nights ago and ended up pulling a kitchen cabinet door pretty much off the base. Like hinges and all. Then the lightbulb in my kitchen light burnt out. It was at that moment I knew exactly why my dad was always so angry when he came home from work and found out that I had broken something else in the house. Broken cabinet doors is just not something you really care to deal with after a 12 hour shift.

I found a piece of furniture on the side of the road while I was at work and guarded it until one of my coworkers came by with his Expedition and we loaded it up. I was totally stoked about the fact that it was completely free and I told Reed-iculous that I was on a free furniture high. At the same time I felt reaaaaaaaally ghetto because I was taking discarded furniture off the curb. Weird. Anyway, its like some weird file cabinet credenza thing and it is the heaviest piece of furniture in my entire house. Bff from work and I had to unload it and ended up sliding it through the house on the carpet because we couldn't carry it anymore. I'm not sure who I'm going to recruit to help me carry it upstairs once I paint it but they have no idea what they're in for.

So, yeah. That's pretty much what I've been doing for the past week or so. Going to class, breaking things in my house, and fighting people for junk. My life is so wild and crazy.

Jersey Shore Quote of the Week

2011-01-17T20:25:00.003-05:00

Between Deena and Snooks I've had a really hard time picking just one favorite quote this season.

Jersey Shore Quote of the Week

2011-01-09T20:04:00.000-05:00

You know you missed it.

The bird is back.

2011-01-05T01:15:00.003-05:00

Today I'm walking around my house and hear a weird squeaking near the front door. I check for the dog and the cat and see the dog by the back door and the cat laying under the coffee table. With my fierce protectors uninterested in the strange noises coming from the front door I go to investigate for myself.

As I get closer to the door I realize it is a bird chirping. I look out the little windows on either side of the door and don't see anything. My Christmas wreath, which is still on the door, prevents my storm door from shutting all the way because its too thick. So, while I'm standing at the door I start to hear a rustling on the other side. A rustling in the wreath. And more chirping.

Yes, a bird is hanging out in my wreath. I briefly think about opening the door to get the bird outta there but then I'm like, "no way! I'll have another bird in the house fiasco if I do that." I decide to wait the bird out. A couple of seconds later the bird leaves the wreath and flies over to the railing where I get a good hard look at him.

It is a wren.

A wren that looks strikingly familiar.

Remember this little fella? Yeah, it was either him or one of his kinfolk out for revenge. I shut the flue so I guess the birds are getting bold and trying to trick me into letting them in through the front door. Good try, wren. Good try.

My life is quickly turning into an Alfred Hitchcock remake.

This is basically how my life works

2010-12-31T14:58:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I dropped my ipod in the toilet.

After updating it with all the stupid rap songs I downloaded instead of eating I shoved it in my back pocket so I wouldn't forget to bring it with me to the gym. And then I forgot it was in my back pocket.

So, when I stood up from peeing I heard a strange sound like something dropped. I looked behind me and saw my ipod laying on a pile of wet toilet paper. I screamed. That was like 200 bucks laying in pee water. The image is burned into my brain. I will recreate for you via paint.

Without thinking I reached in and grabbed the ipod off the wet toilet paper mound. Then I realized I just stuck my hands in pee and they were wet with pee water. I screamed again. Then, I couldn't get the stupid plastic case off and had to run to the kitchen, screaming of course, to get a knife to pry it off. I dried it off on the hand towel, which I just now realized is still hanging in the bathroom, and checked to see if it worked. Whew, it did. I gently wiped it down with a lysol wipe. Then I checked the little connection holes and saw some water in there. I blew it out and it sprayed all over my face. Let me repeat that. I sprayed pee water all over my face. It was like a bad Rkelly experience. I wiped my face off with the pee towel that is still hanging in the bathroom and rinsed and lysol wiped the case off. Crisis averted. It is a good thing I live by myself.

Anyway, I'll see you all in the new year.

Priorities

2010-12-28T15:38:00.002-05:00

The other night when I was off I got sucked into the Behind the Music of Lil Wayne, 50 Cent and then the MTV Nicki Minaj special. Needless to say my secret dream of becoming a rapper was rekindled. So, I started searching for all my old Lil Wayne and 50 Cent songs stolen from the internet during the Napster days. I couldn't find any! I guess they didn't make it through a hard drive crash, a laptop file transfer, and then the next hard drive crash. Bummer. Best believe that these files will make their way onto the external hard drive I got after the last hard drive disaster.

Anyway, this two week paycheck is my mortgage paycheck which is always tight. I've sworn off Target for two weeks, am packing my lunches for work, and am planning on being really frugal.

My need for Lil Wayne has eclipsed my good money sense and I am currently downloading Tha Carter III and trying to find all those old Hot Boyz and Cash Money ridiculous songs where Wayne is rapping about being a vegetarian because he has so many carats and tha block being hot.

Basically, the point of this post is that I'd rather pretend that I'm a rapper than eat for the next two weeks.

The Birds

2010-12-21T19:41:00.002-05:00

I present you all with the email I sent a bunch of people last night:

"I currently have a bird in my house. I think he flew in through the chimney because I left the floo (?) Open after the last party. I think he is currently hiding in the christmas tree. I have pictures of him perched on my star. After he flew upstairs from the den I yelled, "holy shit I have a bird in my house". Elliot (the cat) ran into the living room with a poufy tail and then disappeared. What a fierce wild cat. The dog helped me chase this thing around for a little bit but then got a little scared and stayed in the hallway (I had shut the bedroom doors). I tried to guide it out the back door with a broom and catch it with a sheet but no luck. Its really hard. And it would fly at me. It is really scary. So, finally it landed on the xmas tree and I lost track of it in there. I went to go find the cat and have no idea where the bird went. We are currently all in the living room. Me, the dog, elliot and the bird."

Yeah, that's the gist of it. In the middle of the ruckus I grabbed my camera and took some pictures of Mr. Bird. I also called my mom laughing and screaming. It was my dad who suggested I shut all the bedroom doors and not my cool headed thinking.

The bird spent the night in my Christmas tree and woke up around 8. I know this because around 8 the cat went nuts and finally decided to step up to the plate and try and chase the bird rather than hide from it. I managed to corral the bird into the kitchen and onto the ceiling fan. I opened the back door and stood on a chair with a sheet in case I managed to get close enough to catch it. I heard about a bazillion birds chirping outside and kept whispering, "go to your friends." Finally the bird flew out and I quickly shut the door so no other wild creatures could sneak in. I cleaned the bird poop off the kitchen floor. I just now found a spot on the carpet. Yuck. I have since shut the flue on the chimney

Photographic evidence:

Its a Christmas Miracle!

2010-12-18T15:27:00.002-05:00

Soooooooooooooo, I have good news for everyone that entered the giveaway - YOU'RE ALL GETTING A CARD THIS YEAR! I have enough left over to send you all my freaking face this Christmas.

However, because I must have a clear winner I will slip something extra into the winner's xmas card.

Without further ado I present the winner of my Christmas card giveway:

REBrown of How Now Brown Cow!

Congratulations!

I'll send everyone an email if I can find your email address. If not, send me one to atleastimskinny@gmail.com and send me your address.

HOLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

I'm gonna do a giveaway!

2010-12-15T16:32:00.002-05:00

Every year I do a ridiculous Christmas card for my friends. I have to send normal ones out to my family because in the past they just didn't "get" my cards. BO-RING.

Anyway, the winner of my giveaway will receive a Christmas card from me this year. I'd just post my card up here but I don't put my face up here so you'd really sort of miss out on the greatness of the cards. However, one lucky internet person will have the unique and once of a lifetime opportunity to see my crazy face this holiday season.

Ok. To enter just leave me a comment. I don't care what it says really, just leave one. I'll end this contest on midnight Friday December 17, 2010. (I'm way behind on cards this year. EEK!). I'll announce the winner on Saturday and get their address via email (atleastimskinny@gmail.com).

Alright, contest is open!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Commence the posting!

Childproofing

2010-12-15T13:41:00.002-05:00

Although my Christmas party was not intended for children one couple advised me that they might have to end up bringing their 3.5 year old son. No biggie but I have like 2 things for him to do in my house so I warned them to bring entertainment.

The day of the party I worked really hard to make sure I had kidproofed my house. I went through the house and locked up all the guns, put away the pepper spray, and made sure all the breakables that I really care about were safe and secure. I felt really good about myself.

Yesterday I looked under my bed and realized I had forgotten about the dagger thing my dad got me in college. Its some weird knife my dad got from who knows where, probably goodwill, that my dad gave me in college. His instructions were to put it by my bed and if someone were to break in during the night to gut them from stomach to sternum. Literally, this is what he told me. My sister received a similar instrument of death and the same instructions. Obviously, six years later and multiple apartments/houses later I still have the stupid thing by the bed.

Anyway, I forgot to put the dagger away. Shoot, I forgot it was even under there. Thankfully, the couple found a babysitter and didn't have to bring their son to the party. Whew. Dagger crisis averted.

So, basically I'm the worst childproofer ever and I probably should just never have kids. Because if I do they're going to stab someone and pepper spray themselves on a regular basis. I also should never be asked to babysit. Because if I am that child will probably come back to their parents missing a vital limb or something.

Oh goodness, while writing this post I realized that there are hatchets and saws and various other instruments of death down in the laundry room. (My tool shelf is down there because my shed is sketchy and full of weird creepy crawlies). Hahahahahahaha.

Lesson of the day: don't let me near your kids.

Christmas stories

2010-12-13T12:58:00.003-05:00

Let's see. My dad and I went to get a tree at Home Depot. In typical Skinny family fashion my tree is not straight. It leans back. Like Fat Joe. The tree topper star also has its own special swagger. Photographic evidence is at the bottom.

My dad also bought my mom a Toy Story 3 DVD. I think she got him the same thing. I'm excited for Christmas morning. I'm going to laugh.

And apparently my mom bought my dad a George Foreman grill in Ohio on Black Friday, put it in my car to hide it, forgot where she put it, told my dad what she got him because she thought she left it in Ohio, then realized it was in my trunk a day later. Good job Mom.

I took my Christmas card picture yesterday and was planning on going to print it out today. That hasn't quite happened. Its 1 pm and I'm still in sweatpants sitting on the couch. I haven't brushed my teeth yet and I've been eating party leftovers. Currently I'm watching My Super Sweet Sixteen. So far I've seen Bow Wow's 21st b-day, Soulja Boy's 18th b-day, a bunch of no name girls and now I'm watching the Ed Hardy designer guy's daughter's 16th b-day party. The whole Ed Hardy team is planning it. After all the hectic school mess of the past month I guess I needed a chance to sit around and do nothing but fun mindless things for a little bit. Unfortunately, I have to work tonight. Bummer.

And to clarify, my party was fun. I talked to my mom and she told me that being a hostess wasn't supposed to be much fun. This made me realize that I am going to need to hire a wedding planner or coordinator or something when I finally get married. I won't be able to handle all that stress.

OMG, I have to go. The cat just decided to pull the tablecloth off the table and almost got a vase full of flowers dumped on his head. He is attacking the tree now.

Christmas tree 2009:

And here is this year's tree:

Xmas party aftermath

2010-12-12T10:44:00.002-05:00

So, I was a bad photographer and forgot to take pictures of the food spread. Whoopsie.

Ok, so I made a TON of food because a bunch of people rsvp'd yes and I was really worried I would run out and not be able to feed everyone. Well. A bunch of those "yes" people didn't show up. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Also, I work with almost all dudes. This is sometimes REALLY annoying. Like when they don't tell their wives that its sort of a dress up party or that its even a Christmas party. One fiancee said, "I didn't know this was a Christmas party, I thought it was a housewarming party. I didn't know we were dressing up either." Lesson learned: contact the wives directly.

Also, I sent a text to one of the guys reminding him to bring his Wii. He didn't. So, the "party room" in the downstairs wasn't really as poppin as I intended it to be. As in, no one went down there and listened to the ultra awesome playlist I made. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I invited a special boy to the party and he didn't come. Sooooooooooo, basically he's done. You really only get one chance in my world.

My cat also went nuts and ran around and hissed at everyone. Honestly, I thought it was really funny. I forgot to clean all the fur off the couches until the end. I also have plungers sitting next to my toilet because I have no where to put them. I was going to make some sort of attempt to hide them for the party but completely forgot until the end of the night. Oops. At least they're visibly dusty from no use.

Anyway, my dog had a festive Christmas sweater, I took a picture of the poinsettia tree which was lit for the party, and I have a picture of the filth I'm sitting in. I need to clean.

Miss me?

2010-12-11T10:10:00.003-05:00

I'm back. School is done for the semester and my brain is about the consistency of mushed up bananas. Case in point: At work I accidentally gave someone my mom's cell phone number instead of mine. They called her. She had to give them my number. They never said a word to me about it when I talked to them and later my mom told me what happened. It was funny.

Anyway, tonight is the night of my Christmas party and I would just like to share with you all that instead of cleaning like I should be doing I am sitting here memorizing Nicki Minaj's part of that Sean Kingston song so I can impress my guests with my rap skills. They will pretty much be so dazzled by my skillz they won't even notice the cat and dog hair covering my entire existence.

I'll take pictures and maybe have some fun stories

Dutty, Dutty, d-d-d-dutty.

Ohio. Part 2

2010-12-02T18:57:00.002-05:00

I forgot a couple more things about my Ohio trip. (I am currently sitting in my den by a fire with my fiber optic poinsettia tree plugged in. It is totally ridiculous. I am planning on plugging it in for my Christmas party because it is so weird. I will make sure to take a picture.)

So, my sister and I have been tasked with buying Coke. Actually, Pepsi but my sister overrode the command and chose Coke. We can't figure out the Kroger layout so my sister asks the Kroger lady, "Where is the soda?" We are met with confusion. I immediately realize we haven't been speaking the language but before I can ask, "Where is the pop?" my sister repeats her question. The Kroger lady in her head translates our request into midwestern speak and figures out what we're looking for and points us in the right direction. I told my sister she wasn't speaking their language and she goes, "I know, I should have said 'pop' instead of soda."

A blunder of this magnitude hasn't been made since I ordered sweet tea expecting sugary nectar and instead got bitter unsweet tea with packages of sugar on the side. Alas, a rookie mistake.

Anyway, I should be getting back to writing my paper. Blah.

Only a week until my semester is over. Yay!

I might fail a class for the first time in my academic career. Blah.

I have a fiber optic pointsettia tree. Yay!

Ohio

2010-11-29T16:46:00.002-05:00

First, I apologize to anyone reading from Ohio who may get offended. I will admit that I hate Ohio. On multiple occasions I have referred to Ohio as the trashcan of America.

Regardless of my distaste for Ohio I go there frequently because my mom's family lives there. The best thing my mother did was not have me in the state of Ohio.

So, yes. On this past trip I made a few observations about the great state of Ohio.

From my cozy cocoon of 64 degrees I decided that I didn't really neeeeeeeed to pack my gloves and scarf because temperatures in the 30s aren't really that cold. Um....wrong. I am stupid. Once I got out of the car in West Virginia I realized that 30 degree temperatures are literally FREEZING temperatures and that I'm a complete moron from the south. I stopped at Wal-mart and picked up a scarf and some gloves. Then I realized that Ohio Wal-marts are where everyone should get their people of Wal-mart pictures. The only problem is that my sister and I were probably the only ones who realized that. It was ridic. Ohio Wal-mart = untapped goldmine.

Secondly, people in Ohio love fiber optic Christmas decorations. My grandmother has a little fiber optic tree and gave me a fiber optic poinsettia tree. Don't worry, I'm never plugging it in; I'm just afraid that my stupid cat and dog will eat the real ones and die so I took her fake one. Anyway, I figured this was just something my 80+ year old grandma was into. WRONG. My cousin, who is now my facebook friend, has a full size fiber optic tree sitting in her living room. SIGH. Ohio = fiber optic christmas decorations.

Lastly, thrift stores are awesome in Ohio. My sister said that it is probably because everyone shops there. But they have really nice stuff! And they are really well organized. Like, people merchandise the stuff in there and put it on nice display shelves and put tags on things that promise that they've been sanitized. It seems like around here they just throw it on a shelf and you have to dig through mounds of junk to find anything. Additionally, the stuff is waaaaaaaaaaay cheaper up there. We also went to some weird store that is only open on the weekend that sells a bunch of discount Target stuff (well, they sell other discount stuff but I love Target so its really all I focused on). It's mega last season, as in I saw picture frames from Reed-iculous' wedding 2 years ago, but it is waaaaaaaaaaaay cheap. I ended up getting a duvet cover for 13 bucks and 2 picture frames for like 2 bucks total. And I got Reed-iculous' xmas present for 5 bucks. So, Ohio = good junk.

In summary:

Ohio = people of walmart = fiber optic Christmas = good junk

A sure sign I've been watching too much Real Housewives

2010-11-21T15:10:00.003-05:00

Today I decided to get my oil changed since I'm like 3000 miles overdue (please don't tell my dad). Getting my oil changed is probably second to grocery shopping on my ranking of least favorite chores.

So, while I was getting dressed to go to Jiffy Lube I actually seriously thought to myself, "Ugh, I just need a personal assistant. Or a house manager."

Seriously? Who do I think I am?

The big time

2010-11-19T11:32:00.002-05:00

My real life friend Reed-iculous has hit the blogging big time and has got her own special coupon code over at Lulu's.

In order to support her newfound success I decided to make a purchase using her ultra exclusive coupon code.

Last night, after a long day of homework I decided to do some online browsing. I made myself steer away from the dress section because although I loved a LOT of the dresses I have a major dress purchasing problem. The problem is this: I buy dresses thinking I live a marvelous life. They sit in my closet unworn because I don't live a marvelous life. In reality I sit at home and work on papers about the role of the military in the post-Cold War era. I hope this blog pops up when someone googles "role of military in post-Cold War era." That person will be sorely disappointed.

Moving on. I decided that purchasing a shirt would be more appropriate since I wear shirts more often than dresses. These are the two babies I chose.

I understand that both these options are mega weird. You must understand the state of mind I was in at the time of browsing. For example, last night on the way home from McDonald's I missed my street. Grad school is not making me smarter.

So, yes. They're weird and probably not as versatile as I need. I woke up this morning and decided that I love both options but will probably not use them very often.

I went with a more practical purchase and bought this:

Oversized red clutch? Count me in. I'll use this way more than I'll wear a shirt with feathers or a rose with legs.

Now, if you want in on this fabulous fashion money saving opportunity I suggest you go check out Ms. Reed at Life is Reed-iculous.

Skinny out.