This post is gross therefore it is funny

Attention: this post is a story about my trip to the lady parts doctor. If you would prefer not to read it you can go somewhere else and I will not be offended. (Like I'll even know)



























So, if you've decided you want to hear about my trip to the lady parts doctor, welcome! I'm very glad you want to read about my misery. Ok, so, on this last routine visit I had an abnormal pap. Nothing majorly wrong but enough to warrant further inspection. This means I had to have a procedure known as a colposcopy done. If you've had one then you're probably like, OMG, I'm so sorry for you skinny face. If you haven't had one then let me explain what it is.


Colposcopy - when the gyno splays you out on a table, puts white vinegar on your cervix with the biggest q tip ever, and looks at your cervix with a special cervix microscope. Depending on what she/he (mine is a she) sees she might decide to do a biopsy on those abnormal cells.


Ok. So, I had a biopsy done. But let me rewind the story.


The nurse calls to tell me that the pap was abnormal. Ok, fab. I immediately assume I have cervical cancer since someone decided to run all these cervical cancer commercials the week I get this news. I'm all like, "my cervix, my cervix, why have you forsaken me?"


The nurse explains to me what a colposcopy is and when she tells me that they put vinegar on your cervix I start laughing. I can tell I am the only person in the history of the world who has ever laughed at this information.


I just had a weird vision of bringing my own bottle of white vinegar to the gyno and to me it was hilarious. I just can't help it.


The big day comes and I nonchalantly stroll into the office. I've got the "No big deal, I'm just here to have my cervix microscoped" attitude going on. I see my nurse friend again. She explains the procedure for a second time and tells me that the amount of skin they're probably going to remove is going to be about the size of the end of a pen. When she told me this over the phone I assumed it would be like the ball point tip end of the pen. What she pointed to was the opening of one of those multicolored pens. I'm all like, "Bia! We are on totally different pages about how large the end of a pen is." This is the exact point in time when I realize that the day is not going to go as casually as I had been expecting.


During this explanation I did not laugh at vinegar. In between the phone call and the appointment I had come to the conclusion that acid on my cervix is not funny at all.


I derobe the bottom half and prepare for the assault I'm about to receive. I try and scope out all the tools they have laid out to see what I'm in for. I realized later on that they hid the ultra scary cervix ripper from me. I guess they know what they're doing just a little bit.


The doctor comes in and we get started. The vinegar portion goes pretty smoothly. I do not laugh. The inspection is pretty easy, too. Even most of the cervix skin removal is fairly painless. Then its time to stop the bleeding. Easy peasy right? I mean, I've only had the size of a pen (a big pen and not the ball point part either) ripped from inside me.


I'm all like, "ok, we've got our samples, awesome. Let's all have pants on now."


But nooooooooooooooooo, my cervix is a bleeder. Thirty monster q tips later and two little cups of this stuff that I just googled called Monsel's Solution (ferric subsulfate solution) and the bleeding is still not stopping. At this point I'm completely willing to bleed out in order to just put some pants on.


Then the nurse mentions that she has some silver nitrate because the Monsel's isn't cutting it. I'm like, "whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Isn't that what you kill werewolves with? AHHHHHHHHHHH!"


Ten more large q tips later and a little bit of werewolf killer and the bleeding is under control. I am elated to finally put my freakin pants on.


Because I might still bleed the nurse gives me a pad to wear home and says, "I'm sorry but all we have are big ones." I'm like, "yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine," because I really just want to put my pants on, leave that building, and then die in a ditch somewhere. My entire female reproductive system feels like it is going to erupt from my body like the little alien thing did to Sigourney Weaver.


I take the pad and rip the plastic wrap off and the thing unfurls like an American Flag billowing in the wind. It is huge. If I ever slice open an artery I am not going to the hospital. Instead, I'm going to run into the gyno's office and grab one of their pads to just pack into the wound. I'm pretty sure it will do the trick. This thing was about a foot long and could soak up a small ocean. I could have worn it as a belt. A nice cushiony belt. Or used it as a neck rest on an airplane. People, it was that big.


Then, I have to go to Target and buy more pads because who knows what other surprises my cervix has in store for me. I have not bought a package of pads in over a decade. Why? Oh, perhaps because they are terrible. I did find that Kotex has this new line that I'm assuming is marketed towards the younger crowd because the packaging is ultra hip and fancy. Like a black box with bright wrappers. I bought them only for their color scheme. I am a consumer whore.

The biopsy isn't back yet but the doctor said it didn't look like cancer. Whew.

She did say that I'd probably need a LEEP procedure done. My understanding of the procedure is that they take a mini cheese slicer and slice off the abnormal cervical cells. I will be bringing my own colorful Kotex pad to this doctor visit just in case.